closing time- everyone out

I think its time to bring this particular blog to a close.. and yes i realize that means adding a whole new url to your links lists and all that but . . .tough.

this blog has gone on from January 2, 2006 - December 18, 2007

Two years is quite some time. Over that time there have been alot of words written about pretty well everything going on in my life over that time. Maybe not always the most clear but .. you know.

holy cow i hear the dog puking. . .yes everything.

to make this last post a bit more monumental i think i'll post some previously un-posted posts from a few months ago. "bonus features"

one

I was the only one that got burned. Today was one of those days where i just checked out. I wasn't paying attention to much other than the hammering in my head. I very much regretted going to school. Sometimes you just have to count your losses i guess. Give up being stubborn for a minute and think things through. I was annoyed at myself for not getting up on time and mad at the parents for yelling at me to get going. And then the stubbornness came into play. I think this is just leading into a bit of a self inflicted lesson. I prefer those actually though. Again seeing the stubbornness in myself. I'd rather not have people tell me where i've faulted. But granted that is needed sometimes. Everyone needs to be knocked on there ass every once in a while. Builds character or something. I'm feeling pretty pessimistic at the moment though. Being sick slash feeling generally shitty makes you put on these incredibly ugly glasses that make you see fault in pretty much - everything that walks the glorious earth. Just glazing over my regular eyes. I'm making myself sound like some kind of horrible i don't know what. I don't think i seemed all that bad to people. . well except for the occasional few that i felt fine with . . unleashing a bit of that mental disorder on. Oh goodness thank you for people that care and people with drugs.
I'm really trying to think of what else hit me today - other than that horrible shit bug. People that smile alot are contagious. Even in all my sick glory today i did smile. And in the same span of time i did frown as well. I don't understand how some people are how they are. It just really astounds me. Thats all i'm saying though. I had a couple moments like that today. I just don't understand where people get off on talking about someone else like they - do. I think there is another lesson in there for me. Open your mouth. Speak some of those thoughts your always thinking. Yea i need to do that more often. Damn the consequences some times. I just really wish i had that strength - and knew what to say in those quick moments. There is a careful balance, a thin line you have to tread. Especially when its a friend your dealing with.
I'm really not understanding people lately. lets end this on a double frick.

Final redundant thought: when somethings gone you want it even more.

addition. 10:28

Wow i feel like i have too much going on. I'm actually writing things down, everywhere. On the fridge, on receits, notebooks, its terrible. I'm trying and trying to keep everything sorted out. It feels incredibly hard to keep everything going. I always feel like i'm letting something go. Or not doing enough in some area. Right now i just generally feel like 'im not doing anything particularly well. And thats even worse. But really what can i let go of? i don't feel like i can do everything. Should i be doing everything? Again i'm trying to feel my way through my priorities.
I've actually started a little regime before i go to bed now. It seems to go like this; pyjamas are a must, push ups - sleeping when your physically tired just seems to be easier, teeth brushing, and then reading a thing or two out of this devotional my mom has. Its just a great way to end the night . . and settle down all my thoughts. Gets me thinking rationally. And frankly i think i really need all of this right now. .
things feel so beyond my reach. I've been tipping precariously for a while now. I'm sick, nows not the time to fall.
On a happy note living on the edge can be fun. This weekend should be a blast. downtown, friends, art. I can't think of much that could be a better combination than that.

two

I've been thinking alot about the future lately. I don't know what it is, so i'm going to try and figure it out. One reason that comes to mind is the university fair this friday. A full day of . . looking at prospective schools? I'm not totally sure what to expect. But surprisingly enough it sounds like fun. And it seems i'm going to have a bit of a mother son outing that night. After all is said and done with my fellow classmates during the day i get to relive it all with my mother. And again - surpringsly enough i'm looking forward to it. I had a moment the other night with my mom, where i was very much just enjoying talking to her. Its funny how when its just two people the subjects of discussion . . change. I'm wary to use the word intimate here, just for the fact that i am talking about my mother. But things do become quieter and more close to the heart. She told me about her prom night - wait - or the lack of one. Yea that could be a scary discussion. But no it wasn't. Well not in the vein of talking anyway. Apparently the class before her had two students die on the way home from an after party. So they didn't allow her class to have any kind of party afterwards. Her prom sounded very.. subdued and proper. From what i know about how proms take place now-a-days thats pretty far from what they actually are. I was having a conversation with a friend a while back and the question of to drink or not to drink came up. And while i was talking with my mom this came to the front of my mind again. So i said to myself what the heck while we're being slightly candid let me just go ahead and ask so thats what i did. "mom should i drink on prom night?" Her immediate answer as any good parent should say i guess was "no". But we did talk about it. And her biggest concern was the driving home aspect. I was not to drive home. And this i know. Things like that can't be left to an assumption, it has to be said on record. But she said i should make one drink last me all night. And i think thats a fair thing to say. Theres lots of thing to be unsure of at the moment. It is the last year of high school afterall. This year is a search. It feels a bit like a mad scramble actually. Just trying to deal with everyday school life and then on top of it contemplating what to do with that thing, you know, that seemingly big. . deal.. thing called your life. All i seem to be able to do lately is think about the future. But not necessarily what i'm doing. Its all just wondering. I'm curious what the future holds. I
'm curious to where i'll be, what i'll be doing, who i'll know
Things feel a little sugar coated right now. But i'm not noticing it. I'm still dreaming. And i'm thinking about that moment in the future when i won't be. I don't think i can stop myself right now necessarily though. Everything will be different in five years time. Its hard to imagine.
It really feels like i've finally got somewhere in a way; with everything. Broad and vague i know but thats really the case. Maybe its just my outlook thats changing. I'm feeling okay about alot of things. Comfortable comes to mind. When i think about that word though thats exactly what i want to get away from. But really its just the start. But i do feel the change. Almost daily i feel it. It seems like each week is a step away to something new.
I'm anxiously anticipating getting out of my safety net. I want to mess up and feel some real consequences. I want to feel something new away from everything thats familiar. I'm not necessarily ready yet though. Its still just a dream. But i want to get out. Its an ache.

okay, thats it, its over.

this is where i'll be from now on.
www.loosepapers.blogspot.com

This is a reoccurring feeling that i have. I feel so not ready to be where i am but on the other hand there are moments of total rebellion. Of cutting that rope and just wanting to be that responsible person thats "grown up". I always have to bring myself back from that, i'm continually reminded of how irresponsible I still am. Or rather i have moments that just knock me back a couple rungs on the ladder. I get to a certain point of trust and responsibility and then something slips.
I don't know. I just can't seem to find the point of no return. Or am i looking out for something thats not coming?
And the act of being ready for it - i have myself convinced its something i have to be ready for but is anyone every prepared to grow up? I keep coming back to the idea that its something you take on - gradually. Maybe one day I'll have that 'oh' moment and look down at my feet to see a two year old running around. Who knows

I guess growing up is something you just slowly do, some are forced into it i think, but for me and how my life is going so far, it seems like a thing I'm just going to have to take one step at a time. Time will come where I'll have to take on something, there will be moments when I'll have to step up..

I just want to make sure i take those opportunities.

I had a moment this weekend of realization - possibly. Its still not resolved and i haven't come to a decision. But i had that moment of thinking maybe I'm just playing right into that stereotype that I've always tried to avoid, or the example that i try to uphold. It honestly hurt.

last thought: I don't want to be a one hit wonder.

Update:

I'm smiling.
Today had its ups and downs, i was tired out of my mind at points and could barely function but there were times where i was just totally elated.
And now that all is said and done, i'm smiling.
I'm thankful for a heck of a lot right now.

---------------------------------------

crap.

i'll fill you in later when.. all is said and done.

hopefully with a smile on my face.

How do i continually lose inspiration?
It honestly feels like i have a leak. It slowly dribbles away, softly and painfully.
The drive comes and goes, i just can't seem to grab hold of a constant.

I'm going to compare this to courage right now. Another thing that seems to be one and the same.
For me inspiration is courage.
There are these grand plans formulated that never seem to come to fruition.
Is it reality setting in or am i just lacking that what i need.
A constant
courage.

When i need it the most its never there.
Or is it possible that moment just hasn't arrived yet?
Thats one constant that i seem to keep playing.
The waiting game

How come our directions in life seem to tell us to go 'straight' when in reality that is no where near the proper path. Its not until we're actualle travelling the path that we see the sudden turns. Trying to find your way whether its maneuvering the unfamiliar streets of downtown only to be told to just go straight or its politely begging for someone to give you some hint of direction in life and being told that it'll be alright just do what you love. They still fail in some impossible way to mention the sudden turns you'll face.

but going straight does make for a good inside.

When i read a blog i can't help but think of how it relates to me. Self absorbed i am. i know. i'm working on it. But i find incredibly interesting how something may mean something specific to someone and then something totally different to someone else. so heres some thoughts, some comments and some questions about what you all seem to be thinking.

i swear you see right through me.
- i swear you don't see me at all.

Somtimes Blogs are like a drunk phone call
- yup thats what the delete button is for. too bad you can't take back a phone call. good thing i don't make a habit of getting drunk.

Sometimes it's not about figuring things out,
or calling a truce,
or even finding a replacement for what was lost.
It's about being okay with not neccessarily understanding everything, acknowledging that you've tried to fix things, and then leaving it be.

- this is where the persistence came from. Lately i just can't seem to let things be. If something feels out of place i have this.. internal desire to want to adjust the heck out of it.

So yes, it's the end. But it's also the beginning:
-of friendship
-of memories
-of jokes
-of "next one, next one"
-of late nights
-of early mornings
-of living for the next chance

-next year. i need to think positively. Things lately have made me want all this more and more. Right now feels like living for then. I have to get out of that mind set and just focus.

I feel that humans lack the ability to be real
- i struggle with this all the time. But i always come back to the fact that i'm just not socially able to be as real with people as i want to be. I just don't have the connection with someone to be real with them. That trust isn't there. I want to get rid of trust - but see, thats just stupid.

it's been crazy.. and it'll probably get crazier in the 7 months left of highschool..
- eska you had a 'can't wait :)' after this, but right now all i'm thinking about is the crazy. I really am excited though. Its something new and fresh. A new situation, new faces and new surroundings to get used to. A whole new kind of inspiration. and THATS what i can't wait for. The blank slate ideal is appealing for the most part.

-and something of my own now.
painting is driving me up the wall. So much value, so much colour, too many ways to mix things, so freakin long to dry...
maybe its all the hazardous 'don't put this down the drain' substances that i keep inhaling but i'm enjoying every moment of it.

and thanks to everyone for the thoughts.

i am going to try and define a word here today.

first step: lets see what dictionary dot com has to say about it.

per·sist·ent /pərˈsɪstənt, -ˈzɪs-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[per-sis-tuhnt, -zis-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–adjective

1.	persisting, esp. in spite of opposition, obstacles, discouragement, etc.; persevering: a most annoyingly persistent young man.

2.	lasting or enduring tenaciously: the persistent aroma of verbena; a persistent cough.

3.	constantly repeated; continued: persistent noise.

4.	Biology. a. continuing or permanent. b. having continuity of phylogenetic characteristics.

5.	Botany. remaining attached beyond the usual time, as flowers, flower parts, or leaves.

---

[Origin: 1820–30; <>persistent- (s. of persisténs), prp. of persistere to persist; see -ent]

i think number one through three are revel ant.
we are definitely coming up to a point in our lives that we have to be persistent. You have to go for what you want. Find what you love and go for it. Don't give up.
On sunday i heard two pieces of advice that pertained to this. Both stories of going for what you love. Both spoke to me in different ways.
The one was of a son of a man in my church. The son went to art school in hope of painting for a living. He persisted for three years at this after school and made enough to get by. But eventually went into teaching art.

I'll do anything.
People say that, they don't mean it.
But I mean it!
Well it's very simple... do whatever it takes.
It's that simple?
Yes... you can't fail if you don't give up.

As people, even as Christians, we are still incredibly superficial.