the gruesome garden

closing time- everyone out

2007-12-18T14:48:00.000-08:00

I think its time to bring this particular blog to a close.. and yes i realize that means adding a whole new url to your links lists and all that but . . .tough.

this blog has gone on from January 2, 2006 - December 18, 2007

Two years is quite some time. Over that time there have been alot of words written about pretty well everything going on in my life over that time. Maybe not always the most clear but .. you know.

holy cow i hear the dog puking. . .yes everything.

to make this last post a bit more monumental i think i'll post some previously un-posted posts from a few months ago. "bonus features"

one

I was the only one that got burned. Today was one of those days where i just checked out. I wasn't paying attention to much other than the hammering in my head. I very much regretted going to school. Sometimes you just have to count your losses i guess. Give up being stubborn for a minute and think things through. I was annoyed at myself for not getting up on time and mad at the parents for yelling at me to get going. And then the stubbornness came into play. I think this is just leading into a bit of a self inflicted lesson. I prefer those actually though. Again seeing the stubbornness in myself. I'd rather not have people tell me where i've faulted. But granted that is needed sometimes. Everyone needs to be knocked on there ass every once in a while. Builds character or something. I'm feeling pretty pessimistic at the moment though. Being sick slash feeling generally shitty makes you put on these incredibly ugly glasses that make you see fault in pretty much - everything that walks the glorious earth. Just glazing over my regular eyes. I'm making myself sound like some kind of horrible i don't know what. I don't think i seemed all that bad to people. . well except for the occasional few that i felt fine with . . unleashing a bit of that mental disorder on. Oh goodness thank you for people that care and people with drugs.
I'm really trying to think of what else hit me today - other than that horrible shit bug. People that smile alot are contagious. Even in all my sick glory today i did smile. And in the same span of time i did frown as well. I don't understand how some people are how they are. It just really astounds me. Thats all i'm saying though. I had a couple moments like that today. I just don't understand where people get off on talking about someone else like they - do. I think there is another lesson in there for me. Open your mouth. Speak some of those thoughts your always thinking. Yea i need to do that more often. Damn the consequences some times. I just really wish i had that strength - and knew what to say in those quick moments. There is a careful balance, a thin line you have to tread. Especially when its a friend your dealing with.
I'm really not understanding people lately. lets end this on a double frick.

Final redundant thought: when somethings gone you want it even more.

addition. 10:28

Wow i feel like i have too much going on. I'm actually writing things down, everywhere. On the fridge, on receits, notebooks, its terrible. I'm trying and trying to keep everything sorted out. It feels incredibly hard to keep everything going. I always feel like i'm letting something go. Or not doing enough in some area. Right now i just generally feel like 'im not doing anything particularly well. And thats even worse. But really what can i let go of? i don't feel like i can do everything. Should i be doing everything? Again i'm trying to feel my way through my priorities.
I've actually started a little regime before i go to bed now. It seems to go like this; pyjamas are a must, push ups - sleeping when your physically tired just seems to be easier, teeth brushing, and then reading a thing or two out of this devotional my mom has. Its just a great way to end the night . . and settle down all my thoughts. Gets me thinking rationally. And frankly i think i really need all of this right now. .
things feel so beyond my reach. I've been tipping precariously for a while now. I'm sick, nows not the time to fall.
On a happy note living on the edge can be fun. This weekend should be a blast. downtown, friends, art. I can't think of much that could be a better combination than that.

two

I've been thinking alot about the future lately. I don't know what it is, so i'm going to try and figure it out. One reason that comes to mind is the university fair this friday. A full day of . . looking at prospective schools? I'm not totally sure what to expect. But surprisingly enough it sounds like fun. And it seems i'm going to have a bit of a mother son outing that night. After all is said and done with my fellow classmates during the day i get to relive it all with my mother. And again - surpringsly enough i'm looking forward to it. I had a moment the other night with my mom, where i was very much just enjoying talking to her. Its funny how when its just two people the subjects of discussion . . change. I'm wary to use the word intimate here, just for the fact that i am talking about my mother. But things do become quieter and more close to the heart. She told me about her prom night - wait - or the lack of one. Yea that could be a scary discussion. But no it wasn't. Well not in the vein of talking anyway. Apparently the class before her had two students die on the way home from an after party. So they didn't allow her class to have any kind of party afterwards. Her prom sounded very.. subdued and proper. From what i know about how proms take place now-a-days thats pretty far from what they actually are. I was having a conversation with a friend a while back and the question of to drink or not to drink came up. And while i was talking with my mom this came to the front of my mind again. So i said to myself what the heck while we're being slightly candid let me just go ahead and ask so thats what i did. "mom should i drink on prom night?" Her immediate answer as any good parent should say i guess was "no". But we did talk about it. And her biggest concern was the driving home aspect. I was not to drive home. And this i know. Things like that can't be left to an assumption, it has to be said on record. But she said i should make one drink last me all night. And i think thats a fair thing to say. Theres lots of thing to be unsure of at the moment. It is the last year of high school afterall. This year is a search. It feels a bit like a mad scramble actually. Just trying to deal with everyday school life and then on top of it contemplating what to do with that thing, you know, that seemingly big. . deal.. thing called your life. All i seem to be able to do lately is think about the future. But not necessarily what i'm doing. Its all just wondering. I'm curious what the future holds. I
'm curious to where i'll be, what i'll be doing, who i'll know
Things feel a little sugar coated right now. But i'm not noticing it. I'm still dreaming. And i'm thinking about that moment in the future when i won't be. I don't think i can stop myself right now necessarily though. Everything will be different in five years time. Its hard to imagine.
It really feels like i've finally got somewhere in a way; with everything. Broad and vague i know but thats really the case. Maybe its just my outlook thats changing. I'm feeling okay about alot of things. Comfortable comes to mind. When i think about that word though thats exactly what i want to get away from. But really its just the start. But i do feel the change. Almost daily i feel it. It seems like each week is a step away to something new.
I'm anxiously anticipating getting out of my safety net. I want to mess up and feel some real consequences. I want to feel something new away from everything thats familiar. I'm not necessarily ready yet though. Its still just a dream. But i want to get out. Its an ache.

okay, thats it, its over.

this is where i'll be from now on.
www.loosepapers.blogspot.com

2007-12-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

This is a reoccurring feeling that i have. I feel so not ready to be where i am but on the other hand there are moments of total rebellion. Of cutting that rope and just wanting to be that responsible person thats "grown up". I always have to bring myself back from that, i'm continually reminded of how irresponsible I still am. Or rather i have moments that just knock me back a couple rungs on the ladder. I get to a certain point of trust and responsibility and then something slips.
I don't know. I just can't seem to find the point of no return. Or am i looking out for something thats not coming?
And the act of being ready for it - i have myself convinced its something i have to be ready for but is anyone every prepared to grow up? I keep coming back to the idea that its something you take on - gradually. Maybe one day I'll have that 'oh' moment and look down at my feet to see a two year old running around. Who knows

I guess growing up is something you just slowly do, some are forced into it i think, but for me and how my life is going so far, it seems like a thing I'm just going to have to take one step at a time. Time will come where I'll have to take on something, there will be moments when I'll have to step up..

I just want to make sure i take those opportunities.

I had a moment this weekend of realization - possibly. Its still not resolved and i haven't come to a decision. But i had that moment of thinking maybe I'm just playing right into that stereotype that I've always tried to avoid, or the example that i try to uphold. It honestly hurt.

last thought: I don't want to be a one hit wonder.

Update:

2007-12-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

I'm smiling.
Today had its ups and downs, i was tired out of my mind at points and could barely function but there were times where i was just totally elated.
And now that all is said and done, i'm smiling.
I'm thankful for a heck of a lot right now.

---------------------------------------

crap.

i'll fill you in later when.. all is said and done.

hopefully with a smile on my face.

2007-12-01T22:55:00.000-08:00

How do i continually lose inspiration?
It honestly feels like i have a leak. It slowly dribbles away, softly and painfully.
The drive comes and goes, i just can't seem to grab hold of a constant.

I'm going to compare this to courage right now. Another thing that seems to be one and the same.
For me inspiration is courage.
There are these grand plans formulated that never seem to come to fruition.
Is it reality setting in or am i just lacking that what i need.
A constant
courage.

When i need it the most its never there.
Or is it possible that moment just hasn't arrived yet?
Thats one constant that i seem to keep playing.
The waiting game

How come our directions in life seem to tell us to go 'straight' when in reality that is no where near the proper path. Its not until we're actualle travelling the path that we see the sudden turns. Trying to find your way whether its maneuvering the unfamiliar streets of downtown only to be told to just go straight or its politely begging for someone to give you some hint of direction in life and being told that it'll be alright just do what you love. They still fail in some impossible way to mention the sudden turns you'll face.

but going straight does make for a good inside.

2007-11-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

When i read a blog i can't help but think of how it relates to me. Self absorbed i am. i know. i'm working on it. But i find incredibly interesting how something may mean something specific to someone and then something totally different to someone else. so heres some thoughts, some comments and some questions about what you all seem to be thinking.

i swear you see right through me.
- i swear you don't see me at all.

Somtimes Blogs are like a drunk phone call
- yup thats what the delete button is for. too bad you can't take back a phone call. good thing i don't make a habit of getting drunk.

Sometimes it's not about figuring things out,
or calling a truce,
or even finding a replacement for what was lost.
It's about being okay with not neccessarily understanding everything, acknowledging that you've tried to fix things, and then leaving it be.

- this is where the persistence came from. Lately i just can't seem to let things be. If something feels out of place i have this.. internal desire to want to adjust the heck out of it.

So yes, it's the end. But it's also the beginning:
-of friendship
-of memories
-of jokes
-of "next one, next one"
-of late nights
-of early mornings
-of living for the next chance

-next year. i need to think positively. Things lately have made me want all this more and more. Right now feels like living for then. I have to get out of that mind set and just focus.

I feel that humans lack the ability to be real
- i struggle with this all the time. But i always come back to the fact that i'm just not socially able to be as real with people as i want to be. I just don't have the connection with someone to be real with them. That trust isn't there. I want to get rid of trust - but see, thats just stupid.

it's been crazy.. and it'll probably get crazier in the 7 months left of highschool..
- eska you had a 'can't wait :)' after this, but right now all i'm thinking about is the crazy. I really am excited though. Its something new and fresh. A new situation, new faces and new surroundings to get used to. A whole new kind of inspiration. and THATS what i can't wait for. The blank slate ideal is appealing for the most part.

-and something of my own now.
painting is driving me up the wall. So much value, so much colour, too many ways to mix things, so freakin long to dry...
maybe its all the hazardous 'don't put this down the drain' substances that i keep inhaling but i'm enjoying every moment of it.

and thanks to everyone for the thoughts.

2007-11-26T19:39:00.001-08:00

i am going to try and define a word here today.

first step: lets see what dictionary dot com has to say about it.

per·sist·ent [per-sis-tuhnt, -zis-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–adjective

1.	persisting, esp. in spite of opposition, obstacles, discouragement, etc.; persevering: a most annoyingly persistent young man.

2.	lasting or enduring tenaciously: the persistent aroma of verbena; a persistent cough.

3.	constantly repeated; continued: persistent noise.

Biology.

a.	continuing or permanent.

b.	having continuity of phylogenetic characteristics.

5.	Botany. remaining attached beyond the usual time, as flowers, flower parts, or leaves.

[Origin: 1820–30; <>persistent- (s. of persisténs), prp. of persistere to persist; see -ent]

i think number one through three are revel ant.
we are definitely coming up to a point in our lives that we have to be persistent. You have to go for what you want. Find what you love and go for it. Don't give up.
On sunday i heard two pieces of advice that pertained to this. Both stories of going for what you love. Both spoke to me in different ways.
The one was of a son of a man in my church. The son went to art school in hope of painting for a living. He persisted for three years at this after school and made enough to get by. But eventually went into teaching art.

I'll do anything.
People say that, they don't mean it.
But I mean it!
Well it's very simple... do whatever it takes.
It's that simple?
Yes... you can't fail if you don't give up.

2007-11-25T18:48:00.000-08:00

As people, even as Christians, we are still incredibly superficial.

2007-11-22T19:01:00.000-08:00

i don't appreciate enough
i don't care enough
i don't give you a hand without a reason enough
i don't work hard enough
i don't draw enough
i don't eat fruit enough
i don't write enough
i don't do things with my sister enough
i don't read my Bible enough
i don't...

gosh i don't do much.
Funny, this was actualle going to be a list of things that i should appreciate more. Maybe another time.

an email to you all

2007-11-19T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today i had the intention of working hard on my isu- taking the late marks- but just getting it done and being happy with it. I'm tired of working late into the night. I already did that this weekend. Curse you murphy, you know what happens? i come across a study that fits perfectly with my topic. If i'd have found this a week ago things would have gone alot smoother. So i email freeman and beg for some leniency. I have til wednesday. perfect. It actualle is perfect i literally did a jump of joy.

This afternoon i heard the doorbell ring. I'm always a little put off when it rings during the day - especially when i'm home during a school day. So it caught me off guard. It rings a couple times, the dog goes nuts. I open the door and its this man and lady who want to tell me about a united world. The dogs about to lunge on them. So i excuse myself to get rid of the dog. Then i stood and talked to them, pretty fast i realized they were Jehovah's Witnesses. All that came to mind was when Terp told us about the times hes talked to them and.. discussed with them. Pretty early on i told them that i was Christian Reformed - but i wish i was able to .. i don't want to say argue but .. discuss with confidence my beliefs. He did most of the talking. Its not that i don't know it cause i mean you pick things up after years of catechism but i guess i'm still not used to saying it to people. And that frustrates me. I'm almost hoping they come back because after they left a whole bunch of things naturally popped into my head.

All day i've wanted to paint. Thats just how it is i guess, when you have something you have to get done all you want to do is something else. Since Saturday, seeing all those people at OCAD for a common goal was so inspiring. I saw people that i was better than - but i saw people and work that was beyond me. And that reality makes me want to work hard. Come Wednesday we'll see if this energy is still around. I hope it is, it has to be

the rest of my life is relying on it - just a bit.

so how was your day?

2007-11-17T17:20:00.000-08:00

How can a weekend be so good yet so horrible all at once (and its only half over). I think come Monday I'll have my answer. ah.. frick.

In all of the stress this morning i forgot my memory card at home. And then forgot it again when i went to develop pictures at Blacks two hours later.

I prayed hard that my memory card would be there. I think that would have pushed me over the edge this weekend. It definitely would have tipped the scales for the worse - far worse.
I'm still in it though. He put it aside for me. There are good people in the world.

A lot of people have been good to me this weekend. thank you - all. I really don't deserve it.

okay thats all for now.

two great songs:
timbaland- apologize remix
marc cohn - walking in memphis

2007-11-12T19:06:00.000-08:00

What do you see when you look at someone?

late night

2007-11-06T21:36:00.000-08:00

Where do you find your answers?

Theres always something that makes me second guess. I need to commit and feel confident in something - or i'm just aimlessly following bread crums. . and those birds, they don't make it easy.

those durned birds.

2007-10-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get used to not being able to fix everything- or anything.

How do you say something without -
actualle saying it.

I'm trying to listen to the small things but i can't seem to tell the difference between my own wishful thinking and the small nudges. Or are they one in the same? maybe? sometimes?

How come when you think you have it all together something always manages to slip out, come undone, unravel. Lately there always seems to be that loose end. And i'm afraid to pull on it. Eventually this, my favourite sweater will come apart. I can't win lately.
And it never seems to be the strings you expect either.

Its like that slow motion scene, the one where you see all the damage happening, the catastrophic - world ending- meteorites falling everywhere - fire from the sky - kind of stuff. Just slow. And i'm in it, watching, somehow managing to avoid any kind of life ending damage. But still i'm in this fray and i know its all going to be over eventually. I can't avoid forever. Yea. . thats kind of what its like. no its not. Thats the overdramatic dream i keep having.

2007-10-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

okay i'm going to try and make this a real post. I'm not going to dive into anything though, so bare with me as i slowly ease myself in. I'm so very tempted to turn this into another 'future' post, just because thats what life seems to be about right now. Its all about getting yourself ready. Preparation. But i really don't want to talk about that anymore. I want to just accept that it is inevitable. No matter what i do, its still going to come. I can't do anything to slow it down, or speed it up. Its just coming. Its a constant i guess. You can count on the future coming.
Okay so i don't want to talk about the future. Well actualle i really do, cause i'm pretty scared shitless about it. Lets talk about that for a second. scared shitless. I'm not panicking per-say. The being scared shitless won't been seen on my face until . . i don't know. It won't be there for a while though. But that doesn't mean that its not there. This is something i want to come back to later. I'm just trying to re arrange things right now. I'm trying to keep all the balls in the air, switching them around, putting them in the right order, analyzing them as quick as i can before i throw them back up to go around for another ride. Like a merry go round. Or - even better, like being on the nightmare at wonderland. Going round and round and trying to look at something each time you circle. You never really get a good look at it, but if you try really hard you can hang on for that brief second until the next turn. Oh and then factor in the getting dizzy . . and feeling sick, oh and the sore throat if your yelling mary had a little lamb or nine crimes. Yea - thats what life is like right now. Hopefully like the nightmare - i'll be able to get off eventually. Whether thats . . a metaphor for my eventual death or just christmas break. . take your pick.

Okay coming back . . things on the outside are always different from the inside. You don't know whats going on inside. I feel like this all the time at school, you see people that appear so put together, not a worry on their face, no bags under their eyes . . you know, the people that always get enough sleep, always have their homework done, have their future planned, keep up with all their many friends, and i could go on. Cause really it just seems like everything is there. I'm over exaggerating here i know, cause no ones like this and i know that but I'm making a point so shh. Lots of people just seem to have things far more together than me. And if not they are damn good at not letting on that they don't. And i guess thats what bugs me. It feels like I'm just getting worked up over nothing. I think everyone has a face that they put on in the morning. Granted there are different kinds . . shapes . . colours. . But everyone is wearing some kind of disguise. And thats okay i guess because i sure don't want to get rid of mine anytime soon. No one needs to know about any kind of special pills that i may or may not . . need.

bits and pieces of what you missed

2007-10-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

'Wow i feel like i have too much going on. I'm actually writing things down, everywhere. On the fridge, on receits, notebooks, its terrible. I'm trying and trying to keep everything sorted out. It feels incredibly hard to keep everything going. I always feel like i'm letting something go. Or not doing enough in some area. Right now i just generally feel like 'im not doing anything particularly well. And thats even worse. But really what can i let go of? i don't feel like i can do everything. Should i be doing everything? Again i'm trying to feel my way through my priorities.'

'And thats all for tonight. I Have to get going on something else thats important to me. But oddly enough seems to be mirroring the last situation i just mentioned. Things are not going so great. I just need to put the effort in. I want to feel good again about something thats important to me.

advice to myself(2): get your ass painting'

'..is just a sign of the inevitable growing out. Out, because i don't feel like i'm going up. I'm definitely going sideways though. Lately i just want to distance myself. I want to do things on my own, figure things out for myself. Yell and argue because i'm always right , you know? Yea i don't. But i want to go sideways as far as i can. And thats what i'm doing right now. I'm still stuck but i'm going as far as i can. I'm in this box and they are on one side and i'm pressed up against the opposite side. But i'm still in the box you see. Right now i'm still stuck. I want to go sideways but i still have to go up to get out of the box.'

'I think either way it would be incredible. I don't want to say that right now, but i think i got a taste of the honest truth today, even if it was just a small one. So i think what i'm trying to tell myself is that either way - if it works out or if it doesn't, life will go on and it will be good.'

i'm fine

2007-09-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

i'm freaked out
insecure
neurotic
and emotional.

Streetlight shines through the shades
Casting lines on the floor, and lines on his face
He reflects on the day
Fred gets his paints out and goes to the basement
Projecting some slides onto a plain white
Canvas and traces it
Fills in the spaces
He turns off the slides, and it doesn't look right
Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone
*fred jones part 2 - ben folds

2007-09-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

No, none of it's true 'cause I never knew you
and now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart, for what's true

where does the good go

sorry that I'm taken aback
but how I am you never ask
and I don't need such sympathy
but a care would be so
nice to have once in a while
you mean more to me than I could ever tell
so sorry that I'm taken aback
but I just can't help it

--------
Where do i go from here.

wheres my focus

Is playing on repeat in my head.

it feels like its everchanging

I'm seeing the end of the tunnel but between here and there sure looks dark.

but never quite where it should be

I read to my soul today. It made me feel better.

i was reminded of it the other day because i do know where it should be

The light really does look good from here.

i need an outlet, something steadfast

i'm excited

how come it seems so easy to be forgotten

2007-09-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

Things feel so simple right now. I have a feeling though, that the morning is going to bring the detail flooding right back. erk its already starting.

list.
-cowboys
-photo(s)
-piano
-net
-(the)book
-tickets
-letter (asking)(thanking)
-illustration
-acs
-priorities

---------
I want to be sleeveless.
I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of facades. i'm tired of having to guess. I wish people wore things for everyone to see. I'm tired of giving people wondering looks. I know, i'm a hypocrite. But i can't help it -

I want to see past your eyes.

I have a plan for tonight. tomorrow? not so much.
two things, both start with a p. And both do more than you (or I) think. But really theres no comparison.
------
penny for my thoughts? no? alright. I guess i can't all of a sudden charge money.

Since this is free though, it comes packaged with vagueness and gramatical errors. (and evidently spelling ones as well.)

Sometimes i wish i could see into peoples minds. Sometimes i just want to get past 'life'. But i know, i've thought this through, that doesn't work and even if it did - it wouldn't. It would undermine. . everything else. It'd defeat purpose. sigh. ah well. you can dream yes? well i don't plan to stop.

I've been wavering lately. Wanting more than i have. Hoping for things. Getting expectations up. But i always confuse all of this with the 'shoot for the stars' mentallity. I have dreams and hopes, but i guess i need to separate those. I think i just need some general organization going on in my life. And right now i think that just might be easier if i had more work to keep me busy. . or maybe if i could just acknowledge some of the work.. mhm.

Its on my list.
Next thing on the list - make a physical list.

Motivation where are you hiding now? Its my turn to hide.

this makes me happy http://www.conceptart.org/forums/showthread.php?t=75699&page=16
take a scroll through.

2007-09-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

i wonder why i keep coming back here sometimes. I don't know what the novelty here is. Theres not really anything terribly attractive about my blog. I don't like looking at. I could care less if people commented. I don't blog to inform people on how my life is going. So what purpose does it serve? I'm going to come back to this. 'let me get back to you when i think of something'

rain check.

Self doubt is one of the worst things. Thats actually just something i recently discovered, or rather did the 'putting a face to the name' thing. Cause its been around before, i've just never called it out on it. The doubt isn't even the worst of it. It seems to barge right on through on its own just fine, but then behind. . yes behind come a number of different things. I'm picturing an ant running accross a table now. My finger trailing above it, trying . . to put my finger on it.
One thing always leads to another it seems. Now how do you make it so that one thing never occurred in the first place?
'you always look better when its upside down'
Something i just can't manage to see right now. But I'm sure someone else sees it. Its always someone else. But occasionally i do have the answers. Its nice when that happens. I seem to be having a block or sorts.
get me a shovel, i want to dig myself out.

Belting is nice. I want to yell for the sake of yelling. Its not about doing it well. Thats an afterthought. Its about the act sometimes, not the final product.

and with that . . i think i answered my first thought.

publish post.

cold water

2007-09-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

what do you do when you don't know what to do?
you write about it of course.

When i get overwhelmed, i tune out. I can't listen to it all at once. I do my best to forget about some things. I remove myself. I concentrate on elements i feel like i can control.

I'm standing at the end of the dock. My toes are sticking out over the end. I'm peering dangerously over the edge into the black. I'm shivering, my heart is racing. I think about the impending sensation of having the water envelope me. I can't help myself, i carefully stick my toe in the water. It seems cold from out here. But thats never stopped me before. I know i'm going to jump.

I'm stuck out on the edge.
I don't quite understand myself.
It feels cold.

2007-08-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

A chip off the old block. So be it.
I'm secretly stubborn, as are you.

Have you accomplished all of the deepest initiatives of your heart this summer? Its coming to a close you know.
That i have not. All my heart kept telling me was new horizons. And sadly i've found myself back at my old one. I wanted to go away, and got away i did, but that only lasted until i came back.
Are you running from something?
No, that i am not. I like to think i'm trying to find something - new.
You will be able to do all of this in due time. You know this, yes?
Yes, yes. . i know. I've regressed this summer. I want it now.

In the mean time questions continue,
A certain said story.
5) classic or alternative? the best of both?
a) suffer familiarity or ...
6) who will play the part(s)? an individual? a pair? a trio?
a) who will be the focus? who will you get to know? who will be said hero?
i) will said hero's deeds be "heroic"?
b) who would you want to get to know? him? her?
7) what/who/where will be my maleficent?

2007-08-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

If a certain said person was wanting to tell a story...

1) Should said person know the ending of the story before said person begins? sometimes.

2) Where does said person find a base, a foundation for a story? In reality? yes.

3) If said person wants said story to have a feeling of reality but also have a basis in the fantastical,
a)Where does said person find the balance?
b)What comes first?
c)What does each represent?

723) Should said story have a happy ending? most definitely.

2007-08-06T19:54:00.000-07:00

wal mart is hell on earth, but in a somewhat good way i'll admit.
Its that person that you despise in every single way making a joke that you just have to laugh at, because your to honest to pretend its not funny.

So here i was in Wal-mart tonight. Forced into staying an extra hour there because of my own stupidity. I had intended to print some pictures while we were there, but i had no idea that i had to wait an hour. I could've sworn that the sign said 'prints in minutes'. It totally did.
So off we go, meandering through the cramped isles. Complete with torn open packages, clothes thrown wherever is covenient, and little children riding around on tigger bicyles. A little boy with a shaved patch on the back of his head came wheeling out around and then in front of us, waving something around in his hand. Funniest and cutest thing i saw all night. Though thats not saying much i guess, for the most part the people shopping in wal-mart at 10:30 at night is a pretty scary crowd. So all in all, as much as wal-mart speaks to my love of getting something cheap, its not a place i want to go back to. ever. thought unfortunately that won't happen.

It was worth the trip though. I got some nice pictures. Makes me happy.

Oh and thanks to a mindless night out, i feel all spiffy and prepared for my week long excursion to vancouver. see you soon.

my rocket summer is begining. question mark.

-----------------------
We have lots of foxes roaming our backyard.
I have this desire to recreate the fox and the hound.
---
I'm fighting this feeling, this need to just give up for a while. I'm just tired of everything. I just want to pretend everything beyond is just non-existent. Just for a while though.
I couldn't do it for much longer than that. I'm already feeling bad about wanting this.

I just got back and i cannot wait to get away again.

I find i wonder why too much. The reasoning behind the action. I was always told not to question why, to just go and do it. Accept it for what it is. Without the justifications.
why is that so hard.

so many things right now are leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
Even the things i expected, counted on to be good don't feel right.
why? i think its just me.
another thing i realized: I need to care less about some things and more about others. I'm really not balanced. And i need to start now, i need the practice.

nonsense aside. This past week had alot of good moments. Its funny how at a time where things seem so up in there around me, things farther away seem to be falling and coming into focus. No need to elaborate i don't think. It seems to be the inevitable thing on everyones minds, even if it isn't it is. The future is always ahead of us, no one can escape thinking about it.
Imediately in the now i'm not sure how to aproach things. I don't know the first steps to where i want to go. But i think i do know where i want those steps to wind up. It was a weird feeling i developed. It was nice though, and comforting in a distant way. For the time that i didn't think about the steps to getting there , it was extremely calming and satisfying.
I know where i would like to end up. I'm just not quite sure how to get there.

But wow when i realized what i wanted, i had myself a little moment right then and there. What i want definitely seems cliche somehow. Maybe not totally realistic. But its not anything extravagant, its not too much to ask for (5 might be though), It most definitely won't happen exactly how i want - things never do- but it is a viable outline i can and want to follow. I'm content with the idea. stay tuned.

Is trial and error a viable possibility?

novel thought: I'm bound to screw some things up. So yes, i'm thinking its the only possibility.

Heres to hoping i have the _____ to admit to my errors, learn from them, and adjust accordingly. cheers.

2007-07-26T10:37:00.000-07:00

i've been learning patience the last few weeks, and right now, these past few minutes all of it is going to _____. crap. and i'm enjoying it.

blanks are fun, yes? It leaves it open to different possibilities. And i like that.
----------------

*Its not that i'm not concerned about what i'm going to do in the coming year, its not that i don't feel its important and life changing, but the thought was that
this,
here,
right now,
is miniscule in comparison to _____. We don't have to accomplish everything, we don't have to fill our lives to the brim, we don't have to overflow. We will have lots of time.
And i just have this feeling. . that everything will be . . all that much more. after. we just have to actively wait.

'don't panic, there simply is no need'

hey there. .

2007-07-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

-someone has to take the step. Its not about when they take it, its about whether they go up or down.
-i know and you know its mythic, don't assume anything, you'll just make an ass out of yourself.
-they are coming in nicely. ow. most fulfilling $1.15 i've spent in a while.
-going to vancouver, bc seems like the place to be this summer.
-i'm ready for a rocking summer. still waiting on it though.

I think i've been compensating. Switching things in and out. Putting this here, and that there. Twisting and turning. Taking from here, and pushinging it over there.
In all honesty it looks better over there, but it'll probably come back over here in due time.
It always does.

Changing how you see things out there. . does that change how you see things in here?
Is seeing things differently for the better or for the worse?

It'll balance eventually, of that i am certain.

2007-07-12T07:23:00.000-07:00

edit.:

- covered head to toe. and i'm eating some of it to.

- harry has to die in the end. That would officially make it mythic.

- reading into your life because well mine is. . n't right now.

------
Ah i need to see something else here.
Right now i really don't know if i'm loving or hating summer.

One thing i do know is that i appreciate the simple things that i can take time and experience right now though. The big things just seem even more complicated now that i have more and more time to think about things. They're the ones that keep you awake at night. The simple ones can put me to sleep. The simple things are a remedy to the complicated ones.

simple thing #1 - swinging in a hammock at night.
simple thing #2 - reading

to be continued.

2007-06-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

Edit:
okay so heres some more (freakin) pictures.

-The outside of the house. sorry for the bluriness, the night pictures didn't turn out so well.

The front door and porch.Theres this sweet old doorbell on the door that i didn't notice until today. It makes a bit of an obnoxious sound and of course my sister felt the need to abuse it.

Front hall i guess. The door to the right of the front door goes toooo a bathroom. ha and i have a picture it. .
I can't help but take a picture when i see a mirror.
room to the left of the front door. I'm sitting on the fireplace.

hallway. keep going straight and you hit the kitchen.

keys on the counter.

kitchen area. the picture was taken from the .. laundry room.

okay up the stairs. .

upstairs landing. My rooms through the door to the left.

okay, going outside. . side of the house.

uhm. view of the backyard from the old gazebo.

outside.

my feets on the bridge.

outside. theres posts in the ground for a makeshift soccer net at the other end.

okay its been a week again. This past week has quite literally translated into a stack of boxes. A stack of boxes that will very soon be moved to a whole new location all together. For those of you didn't know - i am moving.
Its a somewhat . . dautning thing. At this point i'm not sure what to think about it. There are some negatives, there are some posivites and i havn't quite decided where that leaves me. Somewhere in the middle i guess. I love the house, even though its a bit smaller than where we are now, i really like the whole feel about it. There is tons of space, acres of space actualle. I'm really looking forward to that. But it is farther from everything. And i think thats going to take some getting used to. And its going to cause some major changes next year, for everyone in my family. For me personally i think these changes could go either way. They could turn out to be a very positive thing. And thats what i'm hoping for.

2007-06-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

I always find myself back here when i have actual things to get done. I get the feeling like i need and want to write something down here. But i'm not sure i can. I guess this has just become a new outlet for me to think things through some more. I place of textual reflection. And thats all it is i guess. And i do need that quiet reflection of just hearing the tapping of keys and the quiet purring of the computer, so not all is lost here. I'm typing around things though. But i think i'm okay with that right now. I don't think i've reflected on things like this for a while. I've found other ways. Though i don't think i've found one that has been suiting me best. They're just different. I like to think each suited its time and place.

And now i'm just looking for the next one. Maybe i'm just going in circles and i've just come full circle now. Funny now that i think about it , i'm pretty sure i've been doing laps. I've gone around track, possibly far too many times.

In less 'cryptic' terms, tomorrows my birthday. They are definitely getting less and less exciting each year. My familiy has given up on wrapping things for me. Not that i mind, thats just a waste of paper right . . Theres something nice about turning 17 though. I like that number.

Mhm i think thats a trend in my life right now, even though there has been lots to be excited over, i'm just not feeling it. Heres hoping excitement finds me again.

...
Maybe when I'm done with thinking, maybe you can think me whole,
maybe when I'm done with endings this can begin.
....
it was this time last year
your so much different now
you watched the traffic clear
you hear the cars spin out
...
Whoa oh, you know you only burn my bridges
Whoa oh, You know you just can’t let it sink in
Whoa oh, you know you only burn my bridges
Whoa oh, You know you just can’t let it sink in
You could be my heroine

(Heroine- Something Corporate)

2007-06-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

My train of thought has stopped and reversed and turned around and gone in a different direction.

Things that just changed:

-I cannot wait for summer to come.
-I'm far to calm.
-I'm tired of people correcting my use of the word 'to'
-i really want to sleep

i'll keep adding to this list. Things change all the time. Maybe time will cause me to contradict myself.

2007-06-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

kim or elliot

2007-06-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

I feel cheap posting lyrics, i don't do it to often, but when i find one that it feels like i can relate to pretty darn closely . . it feels okay.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
---------------------------------------------
are you lookin at me - colin hay ( i want this album now. . mhm ) 18 days til it can be mine .. for free!

perched above the fire.

2007-05-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

I found myself last night sitting 10 feet above a fire that was atleast five feet across the middle. I just sat there with my legs dangling, I could feel the warmth even from that distance away. And depending on the direction of the smoke, i occasionally got a face full of heat and ashes.
Sitting there with nothing below my feet made me think about my previous post. I pictured myself slipping off my perch and trying to go through my mind how and where i would land. Where i would try and shift my weight as i fell to avoid getting hurt. Before anyone thinks theres something seriously wrong with me i'll say that i didn't dwell on this for an extremelely long period of time. It was more a passing thought. I realized though that no matter how i fell i would get burned atleast somwhat, but in the end i thought i'd survive rather easily. And thats somewhat comforting, albeit in a twisted way. And i think that gives you confidence as well.
I know that in the next year I'll fall. And i will get burnt. But I'll get through it.
And i'll be better for it. At the time i won't feel stronger, but in the long run. . .
its something that i can carry with me.

The thought of getting burnt. .
doesn't sit well with me right now.

- could you knowingly face your death?

A long drawn out. . .

2007-05-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Long intended edit.

I feel like I'm slowing getting pushed out the door. Your home is a comfortable place. Its nice to leave every so often, but its somewhere you always want to come back to.
Thats what the last year has been like and what the upcoming one will continue.
Today i saw out that door again, albeit somewhat briefly. School is a place i may not always like, but its comfortable. Its part of that 'swing' of things I've gotten used to. I pump my legs i go up on the swing, every time i know I'm going to come back down. But after one more year - I'm going to jump?
I'm a little worried about where i'm going to land.
Scratch that. Very worried.

--------------------------------------

wow long time without a post.
what have i been doing . .
i really couldn't tell you.

so many things . . i had to think about it though. And now that i have i realize some of the crazy stuff that happened.

And the next few weeks aren't going to let up.

ah el oh tee arr (edit)

2007-05-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very unsure about a lot of things right now. Kind of vulnerable. Out in the open.

I'm picturing an old western where the hero is walking down the main street(the only street) in the town and he's looking around and everythings seemingly deserted. Everythings quiet, he can hear the wind sweeping up dust, twisting and turning it about. He knows there are people hiding everywhere ready to take him out. But still he walks on, waiting for someone to show themself. Waiting for that inevitable showdown.

--------------------------------------------------
the comments on template changes has started me on something now. I brought back my very old template and i'm going put in some new designs and stuffs. Thats why its looking slightly naked at the moment - i have yet to put new stuff in. We'll see how long it stays this way. .

---------------------------------------------------
i miss the excitement of lord of the rings, i saw this template and just for the heck of it thought why not.

maybe its time to re watch those movies/re read those books.

i miss it that.

i'm feeling some nerdy nostalgia here.

remember

2007-04-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

erg. how can terpstra be responsible for seemingly so many things in my head. Not only does he affect my faith life but . . other areas as well. ; P I think things from that class just seem to stand out more in my head because its the last thing going through my mind at the end of the day. It being my last class and all. But i guess things involved in or that comment or influence on my faith life naturally stick longer as well. And it is New Testament class. So theres that factor as well.

Hmm, and possibly i'm looking for that influence more so in my life right now. Maybe the act of finding and looking for those answers is just becoming more prominent for me. Natural course of things . .?

I don't know. But thats how its been. The past month has been a crazy time of contemplation, learning, developing, reacting, searching. . . and many more verbs i don't want to keep listing.
It feels like a good thing, actualle i know its a good thing. Sometimes i feel like i'm getting somewhere. I won't go as far as to say i've found any concrete answers. I've found things out but again there just smaller things i think that add up to something bigger. But I don't necessarily think i'll ever have that bigger thing figured out. Actualle i know i won't, not in this world anyway. How come i always seem to say things that can be taken either way. . 'i think'. I could be wrong or right. Who knows. Theres some kind of responsibility that goes along with stating something i think. There i go again. But i guess i don't know alot of things for sure. Even the things i should know for sure i sometimes doubt.

rambling nonsensical things. Can you ramble sensible things? Maybe. I don't know.

how come i always seem to spell testament wrong, i just fixed it. That little red line is a great help. I think it makes me lazier than i already am though. Maybe next time i'll remember how to spell it now. I just had to take the time to recognize it and fix it to memory.

I find that playing piano is alot like that as well. I find i have to focus on that small mistake and play through it over and over, just that one part to fix it to memory. To make my hands remember what it feels like to play that over and over to a point where i don't have to think about it. And I usually don't find myself running into a past problem. I think it does happen though.

Making my hands remember. I've done that before at a different time and place.

somethings missing

2007-04-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

time for something new.

I feel like i need a renewal of some sort. The sort that puts that extra energy in my step. I miss that feeling. I feel like I've lost it somewhere in the past few days. There are moments in the days that give me the hint, the sniff of how it feels. But they've just been moments and they'vee passed. I want to feel that inspiration that i once felt. I feel like i need it right now. quite literally in a certain case. But also just as a fundamental thing that makes everything better on a whole.

I'm missing someone. something. somewhere. sometime.

I'm going to be watching from the crows nest for that something.
I want to feel what i felt. Without one thing everything is lacking. Its the one piece missing. All the others aren't anything without it. It completes the picture. It completes the feeling. When you have the one piece your eyes can focus again on the whole, rather than that one empty spot. That one empty feeling.

I think i have a couple pieces missing. Some i know where to find. Some are lost until - . Some are wedged in between the cushions. Some I've stuck in my back pocket for safe keeping. Some i know i'll find. Some i need to track down. Some i can only hope to find.
I think i have more missing than i thought.
Lets hope things come together. I want to see that big picture.

for the sake of it, to myself

2007-04-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

gah. I'm feeling crazy, i really want to write something new . . and possibly inspiring here but i'm all written out right now. I can't even begin to think about stringing some decently sized words together at the moment.
I'm feeling good but so overly complicated right now.

And i'm not doing any of things that are on my list . . . of things to do. Things that probably should be done, things i'd like to get done. I just can't think properly right now.

-----

There's a certain someone that makes my head spin. And i'm not even trying to put it discreetly ( is that even how you spell that), but i'm not one to say things plainly, but i don't think i need to.
Bah i don't care. I feel i'm talking more to myself right now than anyone.

I'm excited.
days. so many different days.

2007-04-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

What i want to say hear i can't seem to find the words for, but thats not really the point. Its more about the thought to myself, not whether i can express it well enough for everyone to read it and understand. Not finding words at the moment isn't helping in alot of different ways, specifically when you need to write two pages for the next day.

-i found it and then it went away again.

2007-04-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAA . . .. *cough*

no one heard that

The idea that things build up and then one seemingly unimportant thing can tip things. Has anyone filled up a cup right to the brim? And then gone one drop to far and things start spilling out.

one to many things on my mind,
Things are getting unclogged though,
i've stumbled past it i think, we'll see how tomorrow goes.

Certain small instances lately that have added to the chaos. I don't know why that is but you can't ever really judge for yourself the effect you have on someone, something you say - something you do. Certain instances today, seemingly small ones, had quite the impact.

Yesterday while terpstra was talking to us . . it struck me more than usual. I enjoy the classes where he just talks to us, its fun listening to his own personal input and experiences. You learn really well. But yesterday for some reason just some of the things he touched on really hit me. .

and then when he stopped himself because it wasn't his place to talk to us like he was about to. I really respected that, but i was also really curious for what he was going to say. I wanted to hear his views.
how personal should teachers get?
some comments from teachers lately have made me question that. It didn't bother me in any way, it just made me wonder.

two things that i like right now
a) rescued by Jack's Mannequin
b) eating cereal late at night

collaborative

2007-04-02T18:36:00.000-07:00

different takes, different perspectives
different people, different backgrounds

i've heard about collaborative art projects before. . the ones i'm referring to aren't your typical more than one person working a thing together though. One i've heard of before was a sketchbook that artists sent around the world and each did a page ..
things like that are really inspiring in a way.

I just came accross another one, i've heard of this sort of thing before but it makes me exciting all over again seeing something like this again. Its a comic project that one guy has started, hes done the first chapter and hes sending it off to another artist to do the next and then so on from there. They don't know where the story is going or where it'll end up. So its really interesting that way.

ne ways. just something i admired and thought was neat.

www.lifeofmann.com

2007-03-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

'all good things come to an end' In alot of cases thats true, but for a select few it isn't. But i'm going to focus on the majority here.

Whats something that you appreciate immensely that only lasts for five (long or short) minutes

remind me

2007-03-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

'I woke up this morning
Same old questions in my head..'

' And I'll leave the light on
So you can see
I'll leave the light on
Should you decide to visit me'

' Time is time and time is time and time just rolls along
It's with you every second
Though it has no shape or form
Sometimes I get so anxious'

' After all what's just a little pain
If I learn from my mistakes
Then my loss becomes my gain'

'i'll leave the lights on'- Colin james Hay
This one song for some reason right now. . its just good.

. . . .

this is a reminder to myself to write about something. tonight was busy and i really should be working at the moment but i don't want to forget to write about something. so here i am reminding myself.

my mom just told me not to write like i talk as she read over my essay. apparently this is what blogger has done to me.

time for some more tea probably. i need to try and dull some things.

2007-03-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

You see 'em drop like flies from the bright sunny skies
They come knocking at your door with this look in their eyes
You've got one good trick and you're hanging on you're hanging on...
To it

'not the same - ben folds'

i was just handed a cup of tea. tea is like white out for my brain.

insignificant. i think not.

2007-03-07T20:26:00.000-08:00

may seem insignificant in the big scheme of things but aaa they make me happy.
just this very second a little thing lifted my mood.

i found my pencil after being convinced i had lost it.

now, only now can I draw properly and feel like it has a good chance to turn out well.

stupid eh. ah well it is what it is and thats how it is.

its ALL in the pencil. I know it and you know it.

go here --> http://www.duttonart.blogspot.com/

read and look at the art. it is quite pleasant.

~thats all.

what stays with you

2007-03-05T20:58:00.000-08:00

I'm generally a fairly forgetful person i think. If i don't try to remember something it won't get remembered. If it doesn't make an impact on my it won't get remembered, that can be little things or even big things. Its all about how many times it goes through my mind. Thats what embeds it into my head, constant rethinking and rethinking.
With some things i just can't seen to get them out of my head no matter how much i try. And sometimes its the most useless things. Sometimes its one line of song. sometimes its something random someone said.

But occasionally its something i do want to remember.

I've been doing that lately. Trying to remember things. Trying to remember the feelings at the time. Trying to remember how things were. Memories are tricky things.

-what stays with you.

looking for that tug from above

2007-02-27T16:52:00.000-08:00

I'm getting pushed far away and then another minute i'm getting pulled back in
like i'm getting thrashed back and forth and it doesn't seem to let up
It doesn't give me time to stop and concentrate heavily enough on anything

But then it'll slow down,
let up a little bit,
I think things feel okay,

And then I trip over something so insignificant, I don't see it sitting there in front of me.
where does the string run out, wheres that tug from above, that says things aren't going any farther.

in between

2007-02-20T14:02:00.000-08:00

i've felt very in between the past few days. The whole . . almost there, but not quite. Like being 15 years old and one year away from driving. Or like when your in grade eight and being 'that' close to high school but not there.

Whats that one year ? Whats the difference between now and then ?

I'm not sure whether its how old we are . . and being where we are in life thats making me feel in between. Its more . . feeling in-between about things that are going on right now. some short term. some longer . . term.

I don't enjoy being in between. Its not a comfortable feeling. It makes me think about whats has been, and what is going to be. It makes now feel a bit insignificant and tedious.

and long. and tiring. and . . dull.

But its always nice to have something to look forward to, and see whats ahead somewhat and know that i won't always be in-between.

knowing that it won't last forever is comforting.

sooner than soon

2007-02-12T15:31:00.000-08:00

i'm back sooner than i thought, but i needed somewhere to express my happiness. I have just had a very proud moment. i folded something and it worked out, and looks quite spiffy i think. Thats all the details i'm giving though. I have folded and am proud.

just felt the need to express that - and what better place than my lonely blog.

i've forgotten

2007-02-11T14:46:00.000-08:00

Do people still come around the gruesome garden.? i haven't. I'm tempted to say that really . . corn-ily.

i haven't taken a stroll through my gruesome garden for a while. Or at least I haven't made those walks public any way.

I'm not sure what to write here anymore. Surprisingly enough, this past month as been the month that probably the most things have happened to me and i haven't felt the need to once share any of it here.

But anyways this is my second first post. I'm back. Its been a while, but i'm back i think.

i think i'm going to be coming back to this quite a bit eventualle though. eventualle being sooner than later.

see you soon.

lying to create truth.(?)

2007-01-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

hum. blogging lately for me has become something where i have to disguise what i really want to say. I have to 'lie' to represent how i feel, or what i want to say. Its the oddest thing. I really don't like it, it makes things so much more . . thoughtfully intense than it has to be. It gives me a headache. hence the lack of substantial posts. well maybe it hasn't been noticed but i notice it.

I really wish i felt like i could just say whatever the heck i wanted to say here. It would make things alot easier and i'm sure my blog would in turn be updated a whole lot more. Because i do actually , no matter what it may look like or seem, have quite a few things on my mind. And i would so very much like to be able to pour them out to the intarnet. Its that whole process of thinking through them subjectively and writing them that attracts me to blogging and if i didn't occassionally actuall e do that i'm sure i would have dropped my blog a long time ago.

But alas i guess if i want to do that i just have to go that extra step and write about them with out actuall e writing about them. yanno. I wish i were up to that right now. but i'm not so i'm writing about the act of trying to do that. hah.

(!)

wow i think i actuall e through some things i wanted to write about in there. hot dang i think i did. i concealed it real good though so no one knows what i'm reall e talking about. shame ful i know.

ending note. my head is starting to leak it seems. this is just the start.

in all (actual-alit e)

another thing. Not being at school i think has caused a bit of a back up in my mind. Hopefully getting back into things on monday will work things out a bit. Because right now i'm feeling a bit craz e, and i can't think of anything to do about it. actuall e i think thats been my problem. i've had to much time to think. that and the word actuall e. i think i just did some more lying- i mean concealing there. i keep doing it actuall e.

underlying things make my head hurt. its such a pain.
ah wow and now i'm contemplating whether to hit the publish button or not. hmm.

pink and purple skies.

2007-01-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

yes the sky is pink and purple right now, i kid you not i just looked out the window and there it was.

hmm. yes there was an intention to write something . . . more than this.

but that train hasn't arrived yet.

so 'til then

a look back.

2006-12-24T15:08:00.000-08:00

Today i did some cleaning up. I cleaned out a drawer that i don't think has been cleaned out for years. I had all sorts of random things in it from oh . . like at least the last 7 or 8 years. Its weird how seeing a certain thing, even a small thing can bring back memories all of a sudden.

Its crazy how time has gone by. Even in the past few months.

I've really found and noticed that this year. I've been trying to remember what the beginning of this year was like, i can't for some reason. Things are so different now, i can't even begin to think about where or what i was like before now, and Im not sure i want to. I feel like I've really changed in the past few months. And i know that the change is good.

Just some things that have been on my mind lately.

I guess it is kind of appropriate time to take a look back, the year of 2006 is over in a week. Maybe i'll have to revisit this thought sometime again closer to the final day, because my head is still really only focused on christmas, it being christmas eve and all. At the moment i am patiently awaiting the opening of gifts with my family, hopefully it won't be to much longer ;)
Though of course Christmas is about so much more. As i was reminded of in church this evening. i say evening because . . it was dark out and that automatically makes it 'evening' in my eyes.

sigh. so many things going on right now. : ) I'm trying to keep my mind on all of them all at once, and focus on each one to the utmost. It makes my head spin. But really i should be used to that, its been happening a lot in the last few weeks.

hopefully everyone is having a great Christmas.

triple a.

2006-12-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

its KILLING ME SOFTLY right now. all of a sudden.

ah frustration oh how i hate thee.

you've left me alone for so long, why now

hee. hee.

2006-12-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

tetris is te awesome.

following up.

2006-12-11T20:10:00.000-08:00

ah hah i think its time for a real blog post again. No cheaping out here. I'm going back to the emotional straight from the heart ranting venting blog posting with this one.

I'd love to do all of which i just said 'cept i really don't have any thing to rant or vent about. I can't think of anything going on in my life right now that deserves all that NEGATIVE but yet fun attention.

Life is fun right now. I'm enjoying it even when its not particularly enjoyable. The things that are bothering me or that cause that bit of stress in the day are soon forgotten and realized for what they are. Most of them really don't matter at the end of the day. They are over with so i'm over them. I'm not dwelling on anything like that right now. Other things are taking up that mind space thankfully.

heres some details. some close ups.

School is suprisingly stressful. shut up all you block haters ;) we are working on our major project right now and its hard work. but fun. i have high hopes for it.
Physics is still the most bothersome thing in my day, thankfully its in the morning and my day almost always improves on it. but even physics isn't that bad, i like the class its just the work that i don't like. (test coming up, project currently). Arts is always fun. Surprisingly enough its probably the class that i get the most work in to. Just the other day groen spent quite a while rattling off all of these assignments for us. I don't even know when half of them are due.
But its fun. REALLY looking forward to painting our final big thing. The huge canvas is going to be so much fun to work on.

and i think thats all thats going on school wise. busy but enjoyable i think.

i just looked at the date. its under two weeks until christmas. thats insanity. its coming up so fast, i barely realized. wow where is the time going.

please someone find out and let me know so i can go and get it back.

--------------------------------------------------------

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.

Eddie Cantor (1892 - 1964)
--------------------------------------------------------

uh oh. :)

s m i l e

2006-12-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

'Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.'

Storm Jameson

more to follow.

m h u

2006-12-04T15:27:00.000-08:00

whoa.

ekup

*elims*

hu thgirla

. . . mhm.

that is a pretty accurate account of the last week or so.

out of the rain.

2006-11-29T12:40:00.000-08:00

i thought this was deserving of an actual post.

lenore hates me, and i'm sad but thats apparently what i do because i'm emo-tional.

and no i don't hate oprah because shes black, i hate alot of white people on tv that have to much money to okay.

and yes i think i'm finally going to admit that block is a slacker class - i'm also getting 'tired' of it too (john!). We really should do something . . sometime yanno see how that works out for us could be good you never know.

-------------

went for a walk tonight. with the dog and it started raining. i got wet. but then the rain stopped. but i was still wet.

everything is taking its tole on me lately. There are some really good things that have happened this week, but then there are some bad things. So it almost feels like its evened its self out. I almost think that should bring back to the middle the average what i was before these things happened. just even. in balance again. but nope thats not how its working out or ever will.

such is life.

end note: damn those good things put a smile on my face though, even when i'm feeling like shit.

2006-11-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

i am pregnant.

i am not sure as to which the gender could be.
although i hope it is a boy that looks as pretty as me.
and...

the godfather is john.

and i trust him to take care of my baby incase danger should befall upon myself.

james is the fairy godfather.

we're not sure who the father is... yet.

this is the product of our video block classes...

(jonathan didn't write this. he wishes he did... but he supports it)

he says he loves john and phil and ben and whoever else wants to be included in this...

phil hates me for a day (not jonathan). cause i didn't write that jonathan loves phil.

guess who this is...

and win a prize... and you can be the father!! (or mother...)

cowboy kills the rockstar.

2006-11-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

ah frustration.
a few days ago it was confusion, now i'm on to frustration.
again i'm not going to tell you what or why.

And this is going to be my last post for a while. i'm just going to update my Loose Papers from now on.
no more intarnet words from me.
atleast ....... for a while.

do you know.wonk ouy od

2006-11-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

ed-ee-t.

There is one thing at this very moment that is confusing above all else. Its actually confused me in the past and i know it will continue to confuse me for some time, if not forever.

IV There is a certain profoundness about it, but that is decided by the holder of the thought
III Commenters are separated by one thing. Half can understand the other half have a similiar yet different confusion.
II It can be one of the greatest things but yet can be the cause of some of the worst confusion.
I At times it will feel like it is the only thing that matters.

Get caught in the moment, keep living the life.
because i'm not going to stop to tell you.

as someone put it tonight. i am thought-ing.
about this that confuses me.

ps. loosepapers now with updates! hate me no more.

mad world.

2006-11-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

Anyone seen this? I'm sure most of you have atleast heard of it.
This definitely is supposed to relate more to the female population than to the male one, but i find it incredibly interesting nonetheless. Its insane how warped our society is when it comes to 'beauty' and the 'ideal' look.

I guess this is interesting for me in a sense because when your drawing from your mind you have a image in your head and when you don't work from reference alot of the time you'll miss the things that really put the 'humanity' into the picture. you miss those quote on quote imperfections that make people who they are.

it takes it to an all new level when they edit the faces in photoshop. Then there not even dealing with reality ne more.

sidenote: the song 'mad world' by gary jules is great.
sidenote2): ne one seen the movie 'Donnie Darko'?

i went to see-saw

2006-11-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

saw III is GREAT. Best saw yet. Definitely not for people that can't take seeing blood though. They took it up a notch with this one.

ne way.

heres some funny stuff i came across on the world wide web. It made me smile, grin and at somepoints laugh at loud.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me inall the dead columns.( my personal favorite, haha)
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

late night walks.

2006-11-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

last night and tonight i've gone out at like 10 to walk the dog. So far from both times i've seen one person. Its bin a great way to just get out and clear my head, just me and the dog.

tonight i took my camera.

lights do crazy things at night.

bandwagooon.

2006-11-07T16:16:00.000-08:00

yea everyones doing it.

http://www.myheritage.com

hole of jim.

2006-11-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

JIMHOLE DID YOU READ THIS!!

I've got THREE SKITTLES.

its totally a riddle.

white and black

2006-11-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

ah white and black, i love it.

thinking about happy days

2006-11-01T15:01:00.000-08:00

I think i'm an overthinker and overthinking things leads to another slew of things i don't like. but i'm not going to get into that.
I definitely think there is a time for thinking but sometimes thinking as little as possible about something can be a better solution to a situation.

Thats what i've been thinking and noticing lately.

Recent experiences of less thinking have led to happier results. Thats as detailed as its getting though. pretty vague eh - i kno

yesterday sucked today started out crappy and eventually got good from less thinking i think.

i really like being caught up in moments.
heres a couple songs i've really liked lately

don't stop believing-journey
don't want to miss a thing- aerosmith
angel-aerosmith
alone-heart
crazy on you- heart

all kina corny/dramatic in my eyes- but thats why there great

lost at sea

2006-10-30T15:17:00.000-08:00

yawn its almost to late to think. straight anyway

whats my main course. where am i going. i feel without a compass at the moment. i think of atms everytime i write 'at the moment', and i think of at the moment whenever i see or hear the initials atm. the fact that i just wrote that proves i don't know where i'm going.

my train of thought just changed. maybe i do know where i am going , or rather where i want to go. But i pretty much know where i want to go is not where i should be going. soooo . . . yea you figure that one out. I feel like i'm wallowing in the distractions that are distracting me from my other distractions. Everythings a distraction atm. i mean at the moment.

so wheres the guts of my life. (?) i need to find them again.
this feels unfinished. i think it needs a sequel.

ok i'm ready for the sequel right now.

lets bring this into focus so its not just random emo teenage angst-ing.

Today we got report cards. I'll gladly admit mine was not what my parents were looking for. But thats kind of the point. I was talking to my dad on the phone about it (hes gone in ottawa atm) and i won't go into to much detail but he mentioned getting into college/university, pretty much implying that i'm not doing well enough. So right now thats what my life seems it should be about, and i'm not content with that. I think i posted about it sometime ago about school and other shite (i apologize kathleen), honestly i keep getting farther and farther away from me actually wanting to continue further schooling after high school. I want to do something else, i'm extrememly tired of having these numbers define what i'm doing in my life. They look at one aspect they keep showing me that i'm not working hard enough on my physics homework and thats it. school should be about more than that i think.

me getting poor marks is practically daring myself to try and 'make-it' without going to university/college.

wow. don't take to much of that seriously, i'm an idiot i've realized that - i just havn't come to terms with it yet.

and i'm out.

lame. (i'm)

2006-10-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

hmm. . this weekend seemed to start so hectic-ly and now seems it will end slowly. its 6 forty-ish and i'm sitting on the comp for a couple minutes instead of finishing my shirt. i think i'm addicted to blogging and i really like seeing comments- yes i guess i'm that shallow-but i also like seeing comments on other peoples blogs. theres a lesson in that somewhere. i should comment more.

something i learned today: sewing is freakishly hard. its to fiddley for me, i don't seem to have the patience or the precise-ness (thats not a word is it. . i'm not sure.) to do it.
o and my dad is surprisingly good at sewing. he gave me quite the hand with my shirt.

so now my shirt is nearing completion, i'm just trying to figure out the little things, the artistic touches if you will. its tough. thats why i'm sitting at the computer typing in my blog that sadly enough probably means more to me than any one else.

nothing really profound in that one. maybe i'll update later when i've FINISHED my shirt.

i think i'm gearing up for a rant in my blog about life. cause lately lifes bin confusing the shit outta me. all you people that know me- its YOUR FAULT

and thats where i'll leave you 'til a later time.

interest - i n g : part two.

2006-10-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

ok here are those pictures i was talking about, documenting the interest-ing night i had.

^is he really within the 12-18 age bracket?
me shaking(or rather about to) the mayors hand
^she won first and then two thirds, utter insanity i kno
^ group photo (!) afterwards
^ not entirely sure when this is, but its me and andy and i'm grinning about something or other
yup thats me behind the mayors head there. .

interest - i n g

2006-10-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

last night was the presentation for the picture i did for the early harvest contest. It was a fairly interesting night overall. . i can't say i particularly enjoyed it but it was interesting to say the least. ok i'm giving up on complete sentences to describe this.

random thoughts about the night-start now.

i felt tall the whole night, which was nice
I got to see all the other entries and the people that entered them.. that was interesting
this one girl took like three awards ($$)
18 girls to 4 guys-the winners, i was part of a minority
i had to autograph stuff :S
do regular schools have a semi formal in grade 11? apparently they do
we have tiny school
there was this dude that sooo wasn't under 18, i didn't realize he was a 'winner' til i actually i actually stood beside him in some pictures
drinking through a straw isn't that great
i saw my first chocolate fountain
explaining my art is difficult
maybe next year i'll draw a picture of a flower
i felt totally shafted by the person that judged the art
i was first up on stage(!) i was pretty unclear on how i was supposed to go about doing that- don't u usually present first last? i guess not but watever i was a 'winner' i couldn't screw up ;)
i dearly wanted to say negative things about the other entries- i kno i'm a horrible person
i was semi dissappointed in my piece when i saw it again after a couple months
but at the same time felt good about it
i was somewhat dissapointed in the overall quality of stuff- i really don't want to come off as cocky or greedy but in terms of quality the art was pretty sub-par
even though i didn't think the piece i did was as good as it could've been i enjoyed having people comment about it even if they just said 'thats really nice' or something
everyone likes attention to some degree i guess
i got a name tage that said - wait for it - my name on it

yup so that i guess sums the night up i guess. i was going to post some pictures but apparently thats not working at the moment, bloggers doing something funky.

2006-10-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

i want to appreciate the little things.

today was an overall depressingingly thoughtful day.

Then i got home and imediately after i shut the door with a thud, i here steps on the stairs and then scratches on the kitchen floor and my dog is right there jumping up on me.
He meets me everyday like this, with one of my socks in his mouth.
for a while i was getting a collection of single socks on the computer desk because i'd take them from him and just sort of put them there cause the comp. desk is near the door.
So today i just sort of sat there with him for a while, playing around with him, letting him jump all over me, smell me, lick me. Then i turn on the comp. and he just has to jump up on my lap for a good twenty minutes, then he'll eventually leave and go about his own business.
He does this everyday. And i'm starting to acknowledge my appreciation of it, he does this without judgement, no matter how i'm feeling or whether my day was good or bad.

dogs are nice, my dog is nice.
i like dogs, i like my dog.

just a random thought from an overally thoughtful day.

(smile)

2006-10-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

Ah wow , had an awesome time last night . .i'm pretty sure everyone that actually reads my blog knows what i'm talking about, so no need for an explanation.

side note: i really am horrible at keeping a straight face , I didn't reject a single person.

poof . . . . . . . baby

2006-10-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

a
baby
is
born
in the US
every
seven
seconds.

that just blew my mind for about seven seconds.

2006-10-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

holy crap feelings-ish post ahead, stay clear if don't want to see the pansy that i am/feel like at the moment.

ever not know what they heck you are doing? feel like things are going to fast? Question what you said? what you did? Question what you should be doing?

yea thats how i feel right now. This time next year we are going to be looking at choices. Choices that will come into effect pretty quick.
But right now this instant i'm worrying about art, those physics retests that i really should be looking at, and all those ongoing friendships that you have look after for both sides of the table. And i don't feel like i'm doing either side very well at the moment.

but i guess thats what highschool is, its four years to set yourself up for the 'real' thing. i put quotes on it because thats what it feels like. Not to say what we're doing now isn't real its just not the kind of life that you'll be living for the majority of our lives. Out there you have to do all kinds of crap you don't have to worry about now. And theres some crazy big choices that become available once your past that certain age.

i feel kina split about it. Right now all i want is to be done with school. You know theres those moments that you get- that 9 page essay thats due-that test that forgot-those stupid numbers that apparently are going to define what you can and can't do. Thats what i'm tired of. But then theres the things you really want to last and to go s l o w e r. Theres a load of fun stuff to be experienced in high school. ;)

Things are going to quick for my heart and my mind, but then again is that such a bad thing.

---------------------------------------

alright spaztastic freaking out about art time. Everyones realized that we are in our second last year of highschool, next year is it then we're done. I used to think that i had a whole shitload of time get better - improve skills- and to get that 'mind set'. But i'm not totally sure i've got what it takes to get it by the end of high school. I don't know what i would do if i didn't get into art school. Thats really my only goal at this point.
And from being in groens class this year its probably challenged me even more and made me think harder about getting 'what it takes'. Which is good, but the challenge also places that doubt in my mind. Thats probably my biggest fear, failing at the thing that i pride myself most at. I desperately want to improve at this point. Hopefully that transfers into motivation and drive and eventually the skills.

2006-10-10T13:34:00.001-07:00

i wrote this-

its about time i got around to updating again seeing as its been quite an eventful past week or so. As most of the people that actually read the nonsensical crap that are my musings, last week we were downtown on the service trip. I'm trying to remember all of the amazingly deep and profound things i wanted to say about said trip but sadly it is the tuesday after and for the life of me i can't remember half of them. Alright lets just start with something and maybe it'll snowball if we're (i'm) lucky.

-then i wrote somemore and then i saw how lame it was. so i leave you with this

sincerity is a great. great thing.

wait one more thing.
everytime we touch-cascada is the single greatest song this weekk

'Cause every time we touch,
I get this feeling ... . . .

about heroes and kite runners

2006-09-27T21:53:00.001-07:00

pretty much guarenteed - you turn on the tv at 11 o'clock and on the news there will be a story recounting a disasterous event that took place in the middle east, whether its Iraq, afghanistan etc. From watching the news, reading the newspaper, or just from word of mouth I found myself building in my mind a representation of what I believed it to be like, but really i mean REALLY from that I had no idea what it actually is like over there. From the media you get one side of the story, most of the time its the "today another suicide bomber killed *insert number* of people" or "*insert number* soldiers killed in *insert one of many possiblities* or probably the most over-arcing headline and theme to all of the events over there (in our eyes atleast) "terrorist attacks". I dunno about you but from all of this i automatically thought the middle east was just one screwed up place. And it is true in alot of respects but there is alot more to it than we could ever guess or come up with by any kind of media coverage. So yea media i find in general really skews your judgement on this issue and probably most issues. and for the majority of people its probably the only side and opinion on the situation they will get so they are left with whatever idea they've put together in there mind - atleast thats how and what i've pieced together in my head over the past few years that i've remotely cared about anything going on in the world.

anyway there is a point to all this.

I recently read a book - Its a fictional story that takes place in Afghanistan over the last fifty years. The book is called 'The Kite Runner'heres the synopsis from the back of the book

'From the Jacket

An epic tale of fathers and sons, of friendship and betrayal, that takes us from Afghanistan in the final days of the monarchy to the atrocities of the present.

The unforgettable, heartbreaking story of the unlikely friendship between a wealthy boy and the son of his father's servant, The Kite Runner is a beautifully crafted novel set in a country that is in the process of being destroyed. It is about the power of reading, the price of betrayal, and the possibility of redemption, and it is also about the power of fathers over sons-their love, their sacrifices, their lies.

The first Afghan novel to be written in English, The Kite Runner tells a sweeping story of family, love, and friendship against a backdrop of history that has not been told in fiction before, bringing to mind the large canvases of the Russian writers of the nineteenth century. But just as it is old-fashioned in its narration, it is contemporary in its subject—the devastating history of Afghanistan over the last thirty years. As emotionally gripping as it is tender, The Kite Runner is an unusual and powerful debut.'

this book was really good. Made me look at Afghanistan totally differently- whole new perspective on the middle east. It also gave me a real interest in the middle east, not to sound racist maybe i am but its the truth - before i reading this i always would look at that whole area of the world and just kind of go 'blech', other than maybe israel i wouldn't want to travel around there theres all kina shit going on whenever you see it on tv it always looks pretty damn dirty and just overall not a nice place. but now i'm not sure what it was but i guess the book kind of gave me a deeper understanding of the area and its problems. We are really no different from them as people. Except that we lucked out and got a really great place to live in comparison.
Its odd to think that the life of someone the same age as me has such a radically different life because of the conditions around him. We really are incredibly lucky to live where we live.

wow long post all ready. . guess what theres more.(!)you can decide whether thats a good thing or not.

Surprisingly this year there are alot of shows on tv that have peeked my interest and that i want to try to keep watching regularly. A while ago i learn-ed myself about a show called Heroes which is essentially about people learning about *super* powers that they have and uncovering them/learning to cope with them/using them to there advantage. At this point i am reminded of a quote from spiderman 'with great power comes great responsiblity' hehe any way. Just tonight i watched the pilot episode. - i think it actually is on monday nights but thats on nbc which because i do not have cable OR satelite i ended up having to download it. And it turns out it was worth the effort. The shows most interesting aspect is that it covers a whole bunch of different characts and there individual stories in a variety of places ( one character is japanese. . in japan) And in some cases the stories of some characters will cross and i'm sure this will happen more further along in the show but for now its a bunch of different stories which i really like. so if this sounds remotely interesting definitely look out for it.

small ending side note: All i've bin listening to lately is songs by the fray and snow patrol. I have to stop soon there IS something called getting to much of a good thing.

948 words is definitely a good place to stop.

what were u doing at 12:45

2006-09-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

i had a pretty good day today. alot of people didn't. for one person it was there last day. pretty crazy to think about about what you were doing at the moment something like this happened. at roughly 12:45 I was probably just finishing up lunch talking and joking around with friends, to think that while we were laughing something like this was happening.

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060913
/montreal_shooting_060913/20060913?hub=TopStories

I find it really odd to think that something horrible could be happening this very moment. Recently it was the anniversary of Sept. 11, i'm sure everyone remembers exactly what they were doing when that happened.

starting anew

2006-09-12T16:16:00.001-07:00

fresh start.

fresh starts are a very good thing in my opinion. I have neglected my blog for three months so i thought it was a good opportunity for a 'fresh start'. I've switched things up a little bit - changed the look - randomly set up another blog where i will post ne random art stuff i want ( i decided i didn't like seeing those stupid little squares in the side bar anymore and having to click on something to see the pic just seems a bit tiring i love deciding what i like, great perk of being yourself)

Uhm so yea i'm thinking this will be just the writing stuff and the other place i've got going now will be everything else. Or maybe the other place will be art crap and this will be everything else, i havn't decided yet so we'll just have to see how things work out.

^
this post is more a post to get the posting ball rolling so no need to bother actually reading it.

quick side note: the background is now white so now i can do the 'hide text by making it white' thing. quite excited about that.

p r e t t y - c r a z y

2006-06-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

wow hmm. alright short synopsis of my break so far. It hasn't spetacular of ne thing hence the intended shortness of it. Its bin a whole lot of sitting at home, the odd trip out where i preceded to (blow) spend all the money that i recieved for my birthday, and then "playing" with all my new stuffs, and this has actually kept me fairly occupied over the past week. O and i've had to rely more-so on my imagination to keep me busy as my computer crapped out a little while ago so my computer (the majority of my time) time has been cut fairly short. Theres actually a sad story behind the crapped out computer.
Its pretty much done, we took it to best buy and got it checked out, we left it with them to look at, and the next day we got a call informing us that the hard drive was pretty much fried. <-- this is the sad part , the loss of the hard drive means i've lost EVERYTHING all my music, my art, tons of anime, i've lost photoshop (emily if u read this- if i still don't have it by the start of school i may just need to borrow u'r copy again :), so that pretty much cancels out any redesign of my blog in the near future. And if i do want to put up more art (as johanna kindly pointed out that it has been a while since ne thing new has appeared) i have to figure ou an alternate method of doing so as i am temporarily using my dad's computer for everything which isn't a whole lot.
Its wierd out relient we *I* are/am on my our/my computer. I've figured out over the last few weeks how much i really rely on and enjoy having my own computer. Its bin pretty horrible without it. I'll go as far as to say that i feel hadicapped without it.haha . . . its prolly been good for me in a sense then.
*sigh* tis life i guess.

Uhm so yea . . . o yea i'm writing this cause i'm gone for TWO WHOLE WEEKS starting tomorrow. :) yay. going up to the cottage.
so yea to whoever was 'expecting' a party (apparently tara and kathleen) its probably not gonna happen ne time soon if ever ;) Oh yea man i gotta get my license sometime this summer to i always seem to forget that i can ACTUALLY DRIVE NOW. pretty crazy. It seems we're all 'getting up there', i mean grade eleven next year
p r e t t y c r a z y
its odd but we're only like 2 years away from being 'adults' but i mean in the great scheme of things it wasn't THAT long ago that we actually finished learning to talk, eat, poop in the write place ect. yanno we still got a whole heck of alot of learning to do we're just getting started.

and on that note i'll end this, i guess my short intentions didn't work out.
see u all in 2 weeks.

p.s. SAW THE PREVIEW FOR SPIDERMAN 3 IT LOOKS WICKED AWESOME everyone should check it out. o . and ' Pirates of the Caribean comes out sooooon can't wait to see it

2006-06-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

wow i just wrote up a huge post and then totally clickity clicked it away. Its all about the process of writting it up, you guys don't care that much about what i've bin up to and if u do i welcome you to ask me yourself :) - - i'm gonna go draw now i really don't do enough of that.

. . . i need to go put on some good music, stretch my imagination and relax.

schools almost out for summer.

edit:watch this video its awesome- it makes me smile :) *credit goes to phil for showing it to me*
the songs called jcb and its my Nizlop
the video is made by this guy check out his stuff its really neat.

mindless babble-ing

2006-05-31T16:23:00.000-07:00

listening to: The Shins/ and some Meatloaf heh

watching: Garden State - loveeee this movie so great. i should/could write a whole post about it. . maybe i should.

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hmmm. . . bin a while since i updated. bout time for a new-advanced, au courant, brand-new, contemporary, current, cutting edge, dewy, different, dissimilar, distinct, fashionable, fresh, inexperienced, just out*, late, latest, modern, modernistic, modish*, neoteric, newfangled*, novel, now*, original, spick-and-span*, strange, topical, ultramodern, unaccustomed, uncontaminated, unfamiliar, unique, unknown, unlike, unseasoned, unskilled, unspoiled, untouched, untrained, untried, untrodden, unused, unusual, up-to-date-. . .entry ^thougth i'd add a bit of eductional content to my blog so its not entirely useless, you now have many alternatives to saying the word new.

some recent stuff thats bin going on and that has bin somewhat interesting. . uhm well had this cool portfolio thing at school where everyone intersted in pursuing post secondary learning in the 'arts' go to learn a bit about putting together a portfolio from people in grade 12 that gone through the whole process already. whoa long run on sentence. . so yea it was reallly cool to see some of there stuff. I really liked seeing Desmonds stuff, hes such a creative and like happy kina guy. Looking at his stuf you could really see his kina off beat crazy wierd creative style. We'll definitely be seeing more of him in the future. or atleast i hope we will, tho i would bet on it.
Eui Yong's stuff was really great to, his explanation of his role model the lamp post was awesome. I'll be thinking of that whenver i see a lamp post. And just overall his phography was really good.
I don't know how to spell her name. . moon jin? i'm not sure but her stuff was AMAZING like she had stuff that she had done in grade ten and it was like -wow- shes the definition of an artist and shes only in grade twelve. crazy for her age. The only thing that i noticed with her was that she didn't have the same kind of creative energy that for example desmond did. Her stuff was great but it didn't really hit the same kind of cord that desmond's did.
Its cool to see other people from our school that are into and art and want to do something with it.
so yea it was kina an asian invasion of crazy art talent.

hmm. o yea i entered the early harvest competition. . doubt i'll win or ne thing. i'd post my pic but i didn't get a chance to scan it before i had to hand it in. I really cut it close , i was working late the night before it had to be in. I'm not sure how good it is, i wasn't entirely happy with the result but thats mostly from lack of time, i was pretty rushed to finish and didn't get to finish everything to how i wanted. So we'll see how that goes . . Tho thats not to say i wasn't happy with it, i was pretty proud of it.
I definitely learned something from working on it though. I rarely do 'finished pieces' just because its hard to sit down and work a long time on something to get it to a place where its really presentable. I have trouble with that. And planning a piece out and everything, i spent quite a bit of time just trying to get the concept together. When/if i get it back-i'm assuming i will- i'll put it up maybe have a bit of a follow up on what my impressions of it are after a month or so.

alright thats it.
i'm out.

2006-05-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

ahhh new post. :) thought it was about time.

a new daily thing i'm starting. so here it goes. .

listening to: Johnny Cash-American lV The Man Comes Around annddd Royksopp-The Understanding (i've got three of the their songs in my music thinger over there, very cool stuff -->)

watching: King Kong production diariesss (really interesting stuff, u get a real insight to how movies are actually made or how king kong was made.. there alot like the bonus feature stuff in the lord of the rings extended editions except there alot less serious or more fun to watch)

reading: The Client by John Grisham

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Ok. now to the actual posting of the post.
http://www.conceptart.org/forums/showthread.php?t=68172

take a look at that link ^ absolutely amazing stuff. One day i wanna be able to look at life and be able to paint it like that. Its incredible how they look so true to life but you so easily tell that there not photos. It still blows my mind how he is able to capture the real essence of the subjects so well, you can really feel what there like. As i'm writing this i'm still in awe of how great they are, kina like a crazy art high. Its AWESOME. Thats my latest goal. To try do more sketches from life and work on capturing that feeling.

and i'm out.

change

2006-04-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

wow this is already my fourth time changing how my blog looks. I get really tired of the graphics that i make really fast. BUt this time i think i've made somethign that will hopefully last a while.
I have a good feeling about this one.

Its not only that i get tired of the current template graphic or w/e , i just really like designing new stuff for it. Its really fun now. I've finally got a good system down for doing it, i've figured out all the html technical stuff well enough that the actual designing of the graphics takes alot longer than actually getting it up on my blog.

ne way . . new blog look. i'm happy.

30hr famine

2006-04-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

friday/saturday was the 30 hr famine at school - it went good i guess some moments better than others.

good moment: winning the Amazing Race!
bad moment(s): having to run for an hour during the race (which is even more shitty than usual with not eating for-- a long time) , overall boring-ness when there wasn't ne thing to do or u couldn't find ne thing to do, and sleeping on the floor.

After having done it now for the first time i'm not sure that i'd do it again not at school atleast, if i decide to starve myself next year maybe i'll do it within the comforts of my home. being able to sleep in my own bed being the major draw of that. That was probably the worst part of the famine, having to sleep on the ground on those stupid gym mats - that wasn't pleasant.

well overall i'd say it was good, it was good to feel what 'going hungry' was like to some extent and i'll prolly always think of the famine when i see or hear about all the starving people in the world so i guess it gave me a deeper kind of caring for that situation.

so yea- good experience. i think.

2006-04-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

The last week and some of the week before that i was gone from school quite a bit due to my grandma being in the hospital and than eventually passing away. It was wierd/hard and oddly enough a good thing in some ways. I better explain the 'good' part quickly before you all think i'm really twisted or something. The good part was spending time with family and getting to see everyone. I got to see people that i hadn't seen for years and some people that i had never seen. So being able to spend a few days and just talk and spend time together was really nice. Also getting to hear old stories about my grandparents was really neat.

-o and actually being a pall bearer (one of the ppl that carried the casket) was incredibly meaningful. Being allowed to be a part of that. wow.
-and just small things like seeing my grandparents wedding pictures.. seeing them when they were young- really cool.

so yea ne way that was in short my week.. last week.

Its funny how when u tell people what you were doing-why you were gone, and they don't know what to say. I found that really wierd cause its not like i'm incredbily sad inside still or super depressed about it, like i kina described just above it was sad and stuff but there were some really happy things about it so yea. n. e. way.

I'm getting/trying to get back into the swing of things. Its really hard. I'm not liking being in school after like . . being off since tuesday.

2006-04-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

2006-03-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

Wow its been forever since i updated. o well.
I havn't felt all that inspired to write anything lately but now that i havn't updated for almost three weeks u'd think i'd have loads to write about. .

o i saw v for vendetta the friday before school started again its a really good movie. definitely recommend it. . . maybe i'll see if i can get a video of the trailer to stick in my blog

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o that reminds me theres this line from a song by relient k that i really like
'jesus loves to love the ones the world loves to hate. . .'
thats might not be the exact words but watever.
what do people get out of hating on eachother, why can't everyone just respect and acknowledge everyone.

so yea thats my really really . . cheap update just for the sake of updating

2006-03-06T17:19:00.000-08:00

Alright wow its bin a long time since i've updated. hmmmm...i prolly should have more drawings to post but i really don't want to particularly ++ i don't feel like trying to find them. BUT i do have something in mind that i want to work on and post and possibly get peoples opinions/feedback on, so yea look forward to that ;)

O yes hit up www.2dwarfare.blogspot.com , give 'im a little encouragement to
get posting and to start sharing all that insightful knowledge of his ;)

Ok so whats bin going on with me lately...uhm the past past saturday i had a bit of a family outing to a place by the name of St. Jacobs, pretty sweet place actually. ne way so yea the high light was definitely going to this big antique place where i stumbled upon some comics which were a good price and since i'm such a great son my mommy got them for me :). I havn't actually looked at super hero comics for a longg time and picking these up kind of rekindled that past love *haha*.
Now i really wish the comicbook store was still as close as it was. For the past few years there was a comic store really close to me and i remember thinking when it first came that it would be so awesome because at the time i was really into all that stuff but i guess as time went on i kind of lost interest in the whole 'comics' thing. So conveniently now that i get back into it somewhat the store moves. *sigh* (actually its not to far now, its just outside of vaughan mills, so i'll still have some opportunity to enjoy my newly rekindled nerdom). X-MEN RULES

ok.
thats all for today.

nothing terribly deep or moving but heck it was actually about what i DID for once. the deep post is coming soon i promise, i saw the movie 'crash' over the weekend and really liked it and really want write stuff about it.

2006-02-21T15:07:00.000-08:00

Ah ha finally an update, i'm not very regular with this updating stuff but i'm trying. yEA so ne ways.. uhm whats goin on in my life... uhm. its hit me harder than usual how hard life is.

'No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.'-C.S. Lewis

I put this quote in one of posts a while back but i think i was quick with updating and ppl missed it, so here it is again.

Such a good quote, the idea has really struck me lately. I'm noticing more and more all the horrible things i do, even 30 seconds after i've said something it'll hit me that i could phrased that alot better or should have not bothered saying it at all. Its real easy to get caught up in things and just keep doing and saying things that aren't exactly commendable. Like why would u want to stop a joke that everyones laughing at but the subject is incredibly inappropriate, in the moment its so great why lose that feeling? Its really hard to guard your actions while your doing them because if your constantly thinking and being self concious about what you do thats not exactly better, is it?

Ne way yea thats whats been floating around my head over the past few days.

I can't think of ne thing that i've actually DONE over the past bit that would be note worthy enough to mention so.. i think this blog entry is done.

OHH YEA fogot but there is something thats noteworthy , with the help of eska i got a radio/juke box thinger on my blog so you all can enjoy all the music that i enjoy
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follow the arrow-------------------------------------------------------------------->

2006-02-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

...

2006-02-16T17:37:00.000-08:00

ok finally more stuff to put up, couldn't stand looking at the other pictures at the top of my blog anymore. So heres some new stuff. The first pic is of people in math class =P, there all done real quick so the resemblances may not be there. The second.. uhm i did while watching lotr the fellowship of the ring EXTENDED EDITION (which in my opinion totally blows away the original version the original version is virtually unwatchable once u've experienced the extended edition) . So yea just some more garbage maybe the next time i post stuff it'll be actual stuff that i spend time on and am happy with, something more 'finished'.

hmm what was i going to write about.. bleh i dunno. i'll have to edit maybe when i think of it again.

that pretty much describes my life right now. bleh i dunno.

holy crap i just heard thunder.

i love storms.

2006-02-09T12:59:00.000-08:00

ok i think i'm starting to get my act back together and since i whined enough in my last post about stuff i'm not gonna write anything in this one. just pictures..

these are just a few pages from my sketch book .. not really particularly happy with ne of it but yea ne way got to start somewhere.

2006-02-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

*see second post* man i'm such a slacker *sigh* i try to commit to something and it falls through and i give up on it. Well i guess i havn't totally given up since i'm writing about it now and am intending to try to pick up on it again.. its just so friggin hard. Over the past few days i've done stuff with the intention of posting but after i finish drawing i look at it and go... wow it looked alot better 10 mins ago. And i end up not being satisfied with it and totally embarassed to post and let people see it. I've found that to be an increasing problem lately, i have this image in my head at where i think i am skill wise and than i draw something and end up being really unhappy with it and kind of having to face i guess where i really am at with my skillzz. I hate be dissatisfied with it, i hate going back and seeing all the stuff that i could have done better. I guess i hate having to realize where i really am and having to face the reality of the work that i have to do to get better and get rid of all those mistakes i see. It makes it really tough to keep going sometimes, but i think i'm just at a kina phase with it all.. i dunno hopefully cause i really like drawing and its pissing me off not being able to turn out the kind of work i'd like to.

"man you really freak me out i'm so afraid of you.. and when i lose my cool i don't kno what to do.." -weezer/freak me out

soo schools really boring and dull, life in general is kind of dull i'm just so tired of everything at the moment. The little-est *it should be smallest , i kno* things seem to annoy me and make everything seem so tedious and a waste. I think i really have to look at my priorities and reorganize things a bit. I think i have to be more open and able to take risks. I don't think i've very open or atleast i don't think i seem that way. I think i'm more open with things once people get to know me better but i think if someones just seeing me or making there own impression of me i think i come off really different from how i really am.

Thats another thing i hate how people make judgements about people, i'm not saying i don't do it i'm more complaining about the general thing as humans that we do. I really wish people could just see who you are not just see how you look and make an ASSUMTION from that about who and what your like. I really don't think alot of people know me very well. Yet another restriction that sin has put on us.

'i'm thinking about my doorbell when you gonna ring it, yea when you gonna ring it, when you gonna ring it..' white stripes/my doorbell

We really have to be more understanding and not so selfish. People have to think more about other people and where there coming from. Try to see how they see it, don't assume things, don't put yourself above that person. These are things i write about because there things i experience and see, things i have trouble with.

'i'm crying right there with you, its alright Ophelia everybody crys' Cry Ophelia/leonard cohen.. or maybe his son *shrug* good song tho

maybe there ' ll be an edit on this if i feel up to posting some pics like i said i would try to do

'No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.': C. S. Lewis (1898 - 1963)

2006-01-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

Hmmm.. Whats new with me.. uhm well exams are over, yay. New semester is starting next week which is just kina so-so i guess. The best thing about it being next semester is that that means we're half way through the year. Next semester is nothing terribly exciting. But i guess its leaning towards being bad cause i'm kina peeved with some of the teachers i ended up with (helder? bleh from what i've heard). Ok other than that nothing really great going on. *sigh* these winter months are taking forever, seriously wheres summer? (close according to eska) but it still feels so far away. These inbetween months between like.. january - april are so long and dull. Only like 5 months til summer? .. yay looking forward to it.

Alright hmm every blog post has to have some kind of deep thought to it or it just feels so meaningless, talking about what i do in my life? what kind of boring blog would that be. Soo has everyone seen SAW? IF YOU HAVN'T STOP READING NOW.

I saw SAW (haha.. saw saw ) last halloween (and am just about to see SAW II, hence the post about SAW now) and ended up buying it instead of renting because they were all out and i really wanted to see it, and i'm really glad i've got it cause its a surprisingly thought provoking movie. Amid all the blood and gore its got a pretty strong meaning behind it. Its about this guy who sets up 'games' and challenges that forces people to make drastic decisions in order to save there lives. If they don't go through with it them they die. And the 'reasoning' behind it is that this guy has cancer that has given him a limited ammount of time to live and this has obviously pissed him off somewhat so he goes around setting up these 'games' to make people stop taking there lives for granted and wasting them. Even though it may not be the best way to make people apreaciate there lives more its interesting nonetheless.

Alright so Jigsaw (the 'name' given to the guy) puts all these people into this 'game' to make them go through brutal things to attempt to make them clean up there lives. So if there lives are so horrible and not worth living what changes can they make to make them worth living. What can bring enough meaning to your life to make you say 'i'm gonna cut my leg off so i can keep living'/ 'dig into my eye to find a key to unlock a device so it doesn't smoosh my head'/'kill other people to save myself so i can keep living'. What makes your life so meaningful that u'd do things like that to keep living it.

Alright so kind of take these ideas out of the SAW context, lets look at people today and what gives meaning to there lives. What makes someone get up everyday, go to work/school, go home, do some kind of meaningless activity, go to sleep and do it all over again. Well i guess we've touched on the reason for all the depression that happens.
I think the only conclusive reason for living is in religion. I mean without God or something similiar (not getting into which religion is the right one) people really don't have any good reason for living, really what is the point if your just going to die one day and everything will be meaningless to you, cause you won't exist anymore (coming from the point of view of someone that doesn't believe in God). So why isn't everyone that doesn't believe in God majorly depressed or have mental problems? Because we all find relative things that give us some kind of meaning like work, or family, or material things. I remember when i was little i would always look forward to something and if there wasn't something fun or exciting to look forward to life was just kind of dull and boring. It was always about getting that new video game, or getting to watch my favourite show that night, or getting money, or going somewhere. And after one event was over i was always looking for the next thing that was going to be fun. I was kind of measuring the success in my life by all the spiffy thing i did and got. Not to say that doing things and getting things is wrong its just i think its where you place and apply them in your life that matters. Even today being in high school you see it everyday, someone making fun of someone and judging them on how they look or what they do. Even if your not intentionally doing it when you make fun of that person your automatically putting your self above that person and it gives you a kind of satisfaction that your not as 'bad' as him/her. O the things of the world why are you so tempting all the time. Man there are just so many things that we do that are just so stupid. Success in your life shouldn't be measured by how big a tv you have, or how attractive you are, or by how good/bad your grades are, it should be about the kind of person you are, how you act, where you put your priorities, and ultimately i guess in where you go at the end of your life. So the ultimate success i guess is believing in God and acting out your life to the best of your ability.
Even though its easy to talk about these things and not act on them i think an important part is being aware of it and attempting, cause no one is perfect and its impossible to be but without the concious effort nothing changes.

bah why are we so dumb sometimes

Hmmm i think the topic of my thoughtful rant changed slightly.. i'll have to work on that ..
I think this entry was a little weak, its hard to write about stuff like this when your not particularly to enthused about it. I find its easier to write stuff like this when i'm pissed off or something.. So when any of you people annoy me don't feel to bad cause it gets fused into a thoughtful blog entry ;)

society pisses me off

2006-01-21T13:48:00.001-08:00

*sigh* semi deep ramblings/rant to follow

I just came back from going to the ROM (royal ontario museum). It was pretty interesting but thats not what i'm going to talk about. Let me explain the context first. To get downtown we drove to yorkdale and took the subway so we ended up looking around in yorkdale for a bit. Today is the twenty-first so we're coming up to about a month after Christmas. I was incredibly surprised to see yorkdale's parking lot packed full of cars. I have no idea how many parking spaces are actually there but theres alot. That many people need to go to the mall and shop? That many people need to go and spend more money? I mean c'mon are we that materialistic? It just got me thinking about how we always seem to concentrate on relative things. So many things in our lives can get us worried or concerned about things that don't particularly matter that much. Just while walking around the mall i found myself thinking about all the shit i wanted... and than i'd autamatically start thinking about how much money I had, and what i could get, or what i wanted more than something else... just that kind of thinking yanno? Thinking like that just seems so selfish and petty. Most of things that i want really wouldn't make that much of a difference in my life. I'd end up getting it and than after a week or two it'd be just another thing that i have and than there would be something else i'd want. This just seems like such a wasteful, greedy, selfish circle, it seems so stupid but can we really stop that kind of thinking? Why can't we concentrate on things that really matter and stop thinking about.. things that just really don't matter all that much. These things 'matter' because thats how society works, society dictates what matters... having an ipod matters, dressing a certain way matters, having lots of money matters, who you hang out with matters.... why do these things matter? Does having any of these things make you a better person? no they really don't. So why can't we stop doing what we do? Why can't we see that these things don't matter? I could go on alot longer about this but i think i've made my point and gotten it out of my system..

have a song that has something to do about this... and is also just a really good song

Imagine by John Lennon

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

2006-01-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

Wow i think the busy-ness of everything is finally hitting me. 4 exams next week, a major project in careers due for friday, a major project in science due friday, a major project in art due next thursday, a review in history to do, a review in science to do... i think thats pretty much it. I don't know when i'm gonna get all this done and than try and study for exams. Funny thing is i'm in like no hurry to get any of this done. I havn't really decided if its that i just don't care about school/am to lazy to do it, that i have other things non-school related that i'd so much rather do, or that i can probably do a rush job on every single one of those things the night before its due? I like to think its a combination of all of those reasons (I can see people as there reading this thinking that i'm just a lazy... yea u fill in the blank). I really should start getting my act together eh.

ne way finally some doodles to post...(this is what i do in place of h/w ;)

some eyes... the dali lama *sp?.. :P

and some random guy with a guitar

..enjoy

*i'm not sure i'm liking the size of the pictures.. there kina small...* edit: just found out you can click on the pictures and see them as there actual size.

2006-01-17T15:01:00.000-08:00

Ok .. alright, idealy i would like to update this blog everyday cause idealy i should draw everyday and that was the idea for this blog, to post daily sketches. But i know posting everyday is not going to happen so i will commit myself to posting atleast once a week.

Ok onto the ramblings part of this post.

Anyone think that the first half of this year went by very fast? I sure do, I'm kind of dissappointed that its already over. ( applying this to school) I think i could've done alot better in classes that i have and i'm ticked that i don't have any more time to get my marks up to where they should be in some cases. And i'm gonna miss having certain classes (art ne one? though i'm particularly happy with how art went this semester it was an excuse to draw), but not just art, i'll really miss other classes like history which was surprisingly fun... in roughly two weeks time i'll be having old testament, english, hopefully*physed, and math. Which is a really horrible schedule compared to the classes i have now.
ne one else crapped out about the classes they have next semester?

first post

2006-01-02T18:43:00.000-08:00

hmmm ... just wanna see how this works